Tag Archive | Work

No time for me

img_20180921_185953I’m nearing the end of a week-long overnight work week and I’m feeling the strain. As a department supervisor, I have to go overnight to do some organizing in my department, something we do twice a year, once at the beginning of the spring season, and after summer ends. It’s a glorious task!

I’m kidding. It’s exhausting. Some supervisors only had to do two or three nights, but since I’m in one of the main departments, hardware, I have an entire week. I’m still not going to get done with everything. There’s that much to work!

So while I’m working the night shift, I don’t have much time for myself. My sleep is out of sync, and it’s getting to me. I’m not cranky or anything, but I’m just really tired. I don’t have the energy to do anything other than lie in bed and stare into the void. Or my phone.

Honestly though, I haven’t really taken any me time lately. I usually take my days off for myself, but my last day off didn’t really pan out as I had a friend who needed attention. Afterward, I decided to see my parents. I don’t go visit them as often as I should.

This coming weekend isn’t looking good either. I’m planning on going to the WT homecoming game as it’ll be the last one at Kimbrough Stadium. I have a lot of memories there. I was in the marching band back in my college days. As much as a new stadium is needed, it’s still a little bittersweet. I’ll be my last trip there as a college stadium.

Sunday, my parents are supposed to be coming to visit. I complained a bit that they never visit me in Amarillo. They go to Lubbock and Muleshoe to visit my other siblings, but never me. I don’t mind most of the time, but it would be nice for them to take time to remember me. I’m sounding too much like a whining brat, so I should leave it.

All the same, this weekend doesn’t look good for me. I do have next Tuesday off, so I’m sure I’ll make the most of that. I’ll probably end up getting caught up on my cleaning. So even if it is a Stefani day, it’ll be a shorts and tshirt day.

That seems to be my usual outfit these days. I used to get all dressed up, even if I was just going to stay in. Now I don’t bother unless I’m heading out, which is such a hassle. Showering, shaving, dressing, doing makeup, it’s such an ordeal. I love the end result, and I feel great, but it’s so time consuming.

Right now, though, I have to make it until Saturday morning. I may try to sneak a few hours for myself this weekend. I do miss the freedom to be myself. I envy those who have the courage to go all in and transition, but at the moment that’s not in the cards. I’ll have to make do with the precious few hours I do have. One day that may change. I can only hope.

Advertisements

Stolen moments

20160918_1610191

Showing a little leg? I guess I’m feeling a little frisky, lol! ~Stef~

I had chance to dress up this past Sunday. Felt so good. I almost didn’t, but I had to. I needed some time to dispel the disquiet from my soul. I had a few hours in between my morning shift, leaving at 1:00 p.m., before returning for a store meeting at 8:00 that night, so I took advantage of the free time and got dressed.

I feel as though I haven’t had much time for Stefani lately. Work has been consuming most of my time as of late. Working until midnight leaves me little time to dress up. It leaves me no time to go out. It leaves me anxious to find time to change and be fabulous for a few hours.

All I did was play on my phone and takelt relaxed and recharged after the fact. Taking off the mask and being me, even for a few stolen moments, quelled my anxiety.

I’m looking to go shopping sometime this weekend. One of my workers wants to take me shopping, which I mentioned a few weeks ago. I’m keen on going. I want to see what she thinks will look good on me. I’m also keen to expand my ever-growing wardrobe, which is strange. I’m in dire need of culling a few outfits since they don’t quite fit well. I’m also expanding my casual side, buying cheap t-shirts to wear when I don’t want to glam up too much. It’s nice.

I hope I get a chance to shop this weekend. It’ll be nice if I can. If not, at least I hope to put on something comfortable and go out, even if only for a drive. We’ll see. Tomorrow I’m supposed to meet another girlfriend for lunch, a crossdresser like me. I hope we can find time to actually meet en femme instead of in drab, but I’ll take what I can get. At least I can meet with a kindred spirit from time to time, which is a nice change of pace.

Opening up my circle

13908956_1801598180075561_1473466685205957204_oWhat a crazy week. I don’t know whether to feel exhilarated, exhausted, or some combination of the two. It’s been a whirlwind of emotion, elation and suspense, all threatening to send me over the edge into a full-flown anxiety attack. Somehow I have made it, but I can go over at any time.

First, my outing. My coworker couldn’t make it to 212 on Saturday night. I had  feeling, and after the rough day I had at work, I decided I didn’t want to go. I had people call in sick, and then my assistant manger left at noon, leaving me to run the store on my own, without an experienced person in paint, so that I had to spend most of my day there, in addition to being the only manager-on-duty.

Further to that, a woman I work with was telling me about her ex, that we work with, that’s trying to get into her good graces again, showing her things on his phone that she’s rather not know. Curious, I asked her as to what it could be, and like the proverbial cat, I was skinned right there. She replied that he had shown her a certain picture, and that I probably know what she was talking about. She gave me no doubt as to the subject, which of course was me, as Stefani.

She was okay with it, for the most part, though it felt as though my world was slipping out of my fingers. Fearing that I was being whispered about, I went back to the paint desk, where a friend of mine had finally come in, and told her about Stefani. Actually, she told me, after I started talking about my alter ego. She was like “You talking about Stefani? That popped up on people’s Facebook about 8 months ago.”

So after work, I text my friend, freaking out, and she casually asked if I wanted a beer, and she wanted to finally meet Stefani, before everyone else did. I suggested 212, and she agreed. When the time came, she backed out, claiming she wasn’t in the mood. Neither was I by that point, and told her that the only reason I came out, was because of her. In the end, we ended up on her patio, drinking beers. It was nice, but weird to be out in front of someone I know. She loved my look, by the way.

Now, two days later, I decided that I needed to come out to my Store Manager at work. I figured that if people are talking about me, that if I’m being outed, that she needed to know, to preempt any problems that my arise, namely for my own safety.

Which brings me tangentially to my trip to OKC. I drove back en femme, getting back just in time to wash my face, shower, and dress for work. While there, my manager made a comment that it looked like I had eyeliner on. I must have had an arrested expression on my face, because she didn’t continue joking about it, though I tried to save face, and made some flippant jokes about it.

So back to today, sitting in her office, quivering with nervousness and fright, opening up to someone about myself, especially something I’m so protective about. I felt so vulnerable at that moment, confessing the biggest part of me. Those of you who are crossdressers  and transgenders know the fear. Those who have come out as gay know as well, I assume.

I sat there, in her office, across from her, and opened my soul. She was shocked and amazed, and extremely grateful that I shared that with her. Of course she’s been out as a lesbian for years, and understands the struggles. I told her that I am an extremely private person, but people have found out, and that I didn’t want any problems at work. To make a long story short, she promised to have my back, and that I shouldn’t fear that anything would jeopardize my job.

The thing I want to stress with this is that I didn’t come out as a crossdresser. I came out as transgender. It was freeing for me to speak to it, feeling the boundaries slowly slipping away. It’s amazing, and wonderful, and I’m happier for it. I feel the pretenses slipping away, slowly allowing me to be me.

I’m a long way from begin out all the way. I’m not ready for that, assuming that I ever will be. Considering where I began, I’m still amazed at my own progress and daring. My biggest fear is my family. I have no reason to believe that they will accept me for who I am. I have every reason to believe that they would disown me, the embarrassing son, destined for Hell.

And I’m afraid of the flames of Hell, but living a lie is its own torture. Coming to accept myself has given me the freedom to be happy. I’m happier now than at any other time in my life. It’s not easy, and the fear is overwhelming, but it’s getting easier.

Christmas, presents, and a New Year’s getaway

20150803_203347I got a kick ass pair of shoes and some silk pantyhose for Christmas! I feel like a lucky girl. All I need now is the opportunity to try them on. I had hoped tonight would be that night. I even bought myself a new dress for the happy occasion. Alas, I had to postpone the festivities.

To be perfectly honest, I could have after work today. I got off at three-thirty. I could have gone back to my friend’s apartment, where I spent the past couple of nights by the way, and dressed up until I needed to come home. The reason I chose not to is because I’ll probably have to spend the weekend with her, again, due to the impending snow storm that’s expected to hit.

I’m okay with that. The last snow storm gave me the chance to dress up several nights in a row, which I loved. I may also take the opportunity to see if I can find some after Christmas specials on clothing, since I’m also taking a trip next weekend. If I can find something I like, within a reasonable price range, I’ll buy myself a few outfits to wear in the hotel, and maybe even to drive around town.

My cousin’s getting married in Corpus Christi the day after New Years, and I already have my hotel booked, a room with a king-sized bed all to myself. I’m making the drive with my parents, who do not know about this aspect of my personality, but since I’m leaving them at my grandmother’s house, who lives a town over from the hotel I booked, I’m reasonably confident that I’ll remain undiscovered. I hope.

I kind of want to find the crossdressing night life there, and mingle with actual people. That’s not to say that my friend isn’t people, she is, but it would be nice to meet people as Stefani, who only know me as Stefani. I’m not going to say I will definitely go out en femme, but it would be nice if I could screw up the courage to do so.

For now, I think I’m going to kick back. Although I work retail, I somehow managed to get the next three days off in a row, which includes Christmas Eve. Do you have any idea how insane that is? And I’m a supervisor! I’m not complaining, and I’m not volunteering to go in.

If I don’t write again before then, Merry Christmas to everybody! Hope you all have a blessed day. May Santa give you all the gifts you desire, and try not to be too naughty, but if you decide to do so, send me some pics!

Exhausted

20151126_190640I’m exhausted! It’s been a trying couple of months, to be sure. First I did the whole NaNoWriMo thing last month, on top of work. Retail isn’t friendly towards writers, especially around the holidays. I worked so much overtime in preparation for Black Friday it’s ridiculous. Then the weather turned icy and we didn’t get many shoppers.

Immediately after that, we switched gears and started getting ready for inventory. I’m sorry, but it’s stupid to try an do inventory in the middle of the Christmas holiday season, but there we were all the same. Fortunately, Tuesday was the big day, and while I worked overtime in preparation again, it’s all over, except for Christmas Day!

I managed to steal sometime during the Black Friday weekend for Stefani, but since then I haven’t had the time. I did manage to buy a new outfit this week, a pair of black slacks and a blouse, but I haven’t had the opportunity to get dressed up. Maybe I can steal a few moments this week.

Right now, I’m taking a well deserved day off. I actually had two days off. I go back tomorrow, which is a shame. I would love to have a whole week off just to goof off and rest. I think it’s time to consider taking my vacation soon. I need it!

Writing, working, and finding time to be me

NaNo-2015-Participant-BannerI’ve been neglecting myself again. It’s a side effect of the greatest month of the year, National Novel Writing Month! NaNoWriMo is a contest wherein the participant tries to write 50K words in thirty days. It’s that simple, and of course that hard. It takes an enormous amount of discipline, so I kind of let myself fall to the wayside a bit as I concentrate on writing my story.

As much fun as that is, I’m also trying to acclimate to my new position at my job. It’s not that it’s unfamiliar, but it does take some getting used to. It’s a new department for me, I’m not familiar with the products, what we carry, and how to help my customers. It’s a bit stressful. Add to that, Black Friday in a few weeks, inventory a couple of weeks later, and then Christmas, it’s enough to make anyone lose focus on what makes them happy. In this case, being Stef.

20151110_192851It’s not all bad. I’m able to redecorate my bedroom with the extra money, and it needs it desperately. I am living with my parents, which sucks, but it’s enabled me to get back on my feet. My room is worn down, and  want to redo it as a thank you to them. I’ll probably move out soon, as I really do need my own space to explore my feminine side, but for now, I have to do this.

NaNo will last until the 30th, so another 19 days. This remodel project will be a couple of months, and hopefully this job will lead to bigger and better things for me. After years of feeling bad about myself, what with a divorce, losing a job, losing the person whom I believed would be the “one” after my divorce, yeah, I need some good in my life.

I did manage to buy a new outfit and dress up last night for a few hours. I didn’t get any writing done, like I had hoped, but it was nice to break that monotony and enjoy myself for a change. I don’t know when I’ll have another chance to dress up, but I hope it’ll be sooner rather than later. There are a lot of cute clothes to buy, shoes I need to get, and just opportunities to express myself that I need to take advantage of. For now, good night, and sweet dreams!

An unexpected sick day

11748592_10204800327595160_1937965765_n

Things are looking up – or at least I am! Stefani Lara 2015

What a day! I went to work as scheduled, but I didn’t remain long. As I was about the step out of my car, I got a dizzy spell. It sucked! I don’t like missing work, so I decided to soldier on, like a good little employee, hoping the spell would pass. It didn’t While at the morning meeting, while our manger stood there leading our stretches, I mentioned the fact that I was dizzy to a co-worker who turned around and told our manager as soon as the meeting was over. I stood there, holding on the counter behind me, trying to maintain my balance. He sent me home.

I called a friend, feeling that I wouldn’t make it all the way home, and she let me crash at her place. I slept for several hours, confirming in my mind that I was most likely suffering from exhaustion. It happens from time to time, but thankfully not that often. When I finally got out of bed, she asked if I was hungry, which I wasn’t really, but I knew that I needed to eat to get my strength back up. Of course, I paid.

Afterwards, we went shopping. We hit a few stores, but money is a little tight, so all I bought was a blouse and a camisole. We went back to her place, and after deliberating whether or not to dress up, I did. Once again, she did my make-up, explaining all the steps she was taking to put me together, all the while discussing the different brands of make-up I should try, reserving what she uses herself until I gain some proficiency putting it onto myself.

I stayed dressed for all afternoon until I decided to come home. The more I dress up, the more comfortable I become with myself. It’s a wonderful sensation to lounge around as the woman I wish I were. I stepped out a bit into the hall way of her apartment, wishing I had the courage to walk out and into the light of the world, but I’m not ready yet. It’s scary, don’t you know, and I don’t want to rush my journey. I’m only now discovering who I am, and why share it prematurely?

Looking forward

0517ed60af8bf43586449cb8c93679e18131e9-wmMea culpa! I haven’t been on in so long. I have no defense to offer you other than some lame excuse of being so busy in my real life. It’s pathetic, to be honest. I’ll try to be a better hostess and at least write once a week, both for you and also as a salve for my own soul. I need an outlet to just be me. I’ve missed that lately.

So what have I been doing that has kept me so distracted? I’m just trying to survive at work. There’s been a lot of craziness with new supervisors, a new store manager, and it looks like I may have a chance to move up myself! I haven’t offered a lot of details about my everyday life as a male. I work at a home improvement center mixing paint. It’s so exciting! Okay, it really isn’t, but it’s a job, and having been unemployed for a year, from 2012-13, I’m loath just to give it up.

I’ve worked retail much of my adult life. I’ve worked my way up to supervisory positions, going so far as to become a salaried assistant manager at a huge national retailer. I’ve put in the hard work, I earned the experience and knowledge, hell I even went back and earned my Bachelors, but that hasn’t helped me one iota. It’s all about kissing up, at least it has with my past two store directors. This one seems to care about productivity, and I’m putting in an effort to prove myself. I’m tired of working hard for so little. I deserve more!

The reason this is important to me is so that I can earn enough money to move out on my own. As much as I love living with family, there’s something disempowering about being a person in their late thirties – almost forty, ouch! – and living with mommy and daddy. I worked so hard to be on my own, got married and within a year I lost my wife, my house, my job, and even my car. I lost a lifetime. It’s taking me years just to get back to this!

So I want to move out on my own. I want to have the freedom to let me, Stefani Lara, out again. I want the freedom to sit in my living room, in a pretty dress or skirt, or even in a pair of exercise shorts or yoga pants, anything feminine, anything that lets me relax. I don’t have that know.

The closest I got lately was putting on a pair of panties and pantyhose under my male clothes as I drove down to the Dallas area this past weekend. It felt good, even if I had to do it under cover of my clothes. I could indulge myself for a while, enjoying the feel of knowing I could be Stefani to myself, though I had to show otherwise to the world.

That’s okay, for now. My hope is to move up and have my own place by the end of fall. I hope to translate that to a move down to DFW within a reasonable time frame. I think I’ll have more freedom to explore my femme side than I have up in the Panhandle of Texas. That is my plan. I just hope I can make it happen, the sooner the better.