Tag Archive | Wardrobe

A tale of two wardrobes

I bought jeans this morning. I know that’s not the most exciting news I can come up with, but it is relevant. It’s the first time in over a year that I’ve bought men’s clothing. I had not choice, honestly, as all my jeans I use for work are wearing out. I ripped out the seat of my jeans at work yesterday! The horror!!!!

While I was at it, I threw out all my boxers and bought a couple of packs as well. I threw away all my old jeans as they are thread worn, or are stained with paint, or just plain look grubby. I needed to refresh my wardrobe regardless. It does not do to look that shabby.

What gets me is how expensive it is to maintain your wardrobe, and I’m having to maintain two. I’ve been expanding my feminine wardrobe on a regular basis. I love spending my free time as me, so it makes sense that I would expand my wardrobe. I need to buy a few more jeans and slacks. More skirts would be nice as well. Oh, and I would love a few more jackets, cardigans, shawls, and I could probably keep going.

But I’ve neglected my masculine side for far too long. While I keep living a dual life, I’ll have to make my peace with it. I guess I have, but damn it gets expensive. What’s more, I prefer to buy myself feminine attire. I care more about Stefani than Joe. Maybe I should take that into consideration as I try to decide whether or not to transition.


A few related thoughts

11753914_10204790725275108_568390893_nI decided to buy a new wig a few weeks ago, but I haven’t had the chance to try it on. I’m still not ready to go to an actual wig shop and have one fitted, so like I did with my last wig, I bought it online. I was please with my last wig except that it was so long it quickly became unmanageable. It became a rat’s nest in the back and I decided it was best to retire it and buy a new, shorter one.

I’m hoping that I’ll have a chance to dress up on Monday. I didn’t take advantage of my last opportunity to dress up because I just wasn’t up for it. I was a bit lazy and the time needed to transform myself didn’t help. I would have had maybe an hour to enjoy being dressed before having to get undressed. I want a few hours at least. The last time I did become Stefani lasted all day, and it was wonderful.

I’m actually looking forward to dressing up, doing my nails, and just hanging out. I started a diet for 2016, which isn’t much of a diet as it is a change of a sort. I had been in the habit of eating fast food everyday for lunch, and I decided that I needed to start taking my lunch with me instead. I’ve managed to lose a few pounds, but I’m not satisfied. I’m around 190 now. I want to get to at least 170. I’m going to add exercises soon as well.

What I want is to look a little more like Stefani and less like Steven. I understand that I may not pass 100%, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to look as feminine as possible. I think that’s been my problem with motivation lately. I’m not happy with how I look, or how I feel. I look in the mirror and I see a fat middle-aged man staring back. It’s hard to make myself look or feel sexy.

I know I’m the only one who can change that, and I mean to. I put in for a vacation in early March and I’m hoping for at least a couple of quality days as Stefani. A friend in the metroplex wants to take me shopping, and I would love to feel secure enough in myself to confidently go out. I think I’m getting a panic attack just thinking about it!

In all reality, this part of me is that hardest for me to accept. I’ve gotten better in that I acknowledge that Stefani exists and I allow her to come out. I know she’s ready to head outside and become part of the living world, but I’m vain enough to want to look good while doing it.


The price of me

20150831_182201I wish I had money. I’m not talking about a couple of hundred or even a couple of thousand dollars. No. I’m talking about the obscene amount of wealth that makes us lowly commoners sick with envy. I want so much money that every one of my desires could easily be bought, my dreams realized with a swipe of a card. I want to be rich.

Okay, so I’d settle for a couple of hundred dollars. I’d settle for a nice pair of boots…, or two. A girl can’t have too many! I am a Texan, so I’ll need some cowboy boots, and maybe a Stetson as well. I need thigh-high boots, high-heel boots, I need heels, pumps, sneakers, sandals. I need purses and bags, and belt. Damn do I need belts. And jackets. Winter is coming up, don’t you know? I need more than my job earns me. I need more!

So maybe I’m being slightly dramatic, just for effect. For the most part, I’m happy with what I have. For someone who virtually lost everything, wife, car, home, and job, I’m thankful for the little I do have. I’m grateful for the opportunity to be Stefani, I give thanks to have a few stolen moments wherein I can simply exist as me, as the woman I am.

But there is a bit of a materialistic desire in me, one that I have to sate a little bit at a time. Lately, I’ve been giving in to my wants more than I should. I’ve spent way too much on Stefani in the past couple of months, especially this week. For a guy that hasn’t bought a single stitch of women’s clothing in over a decade, I’ve spent too much on Stefani, but let’s call it making up for lost time.

I don’t know how many outfits I have, but I do know I have three pairs of jeans, a two pairs of shorts, a skirt, two dresses, and way too many blouses. Sadly, I only have two pairs of heels. I need to rectify that. I went to Payless Shoes, hoping to find an affordable pair of boots, but they were to pricey for me, having spent way too much on several blouses last Friday. That’s okay. We left, and my friend needed to make a copy of her key, so off to Wal-Mart we went. I spent too much on a couple of blouses and a camisole. I need help. Or a sugar daddy.

Maybe not. I’m sure once I build up my wardrobe, I’ll slow down a bit. Contrary to how I’m portraying myself on here, I’m not really all that materialistic. Want proof? I bought a couple of blouses from Wal-Mart. Not exactly a bastion of fashion now, is it? It’s affordable, comfortable, and accessible for the common working folk, like me.

Sure, I may go to department stores a buy myself a little something, but it’s not all that often. All I want is to have something to wear for every occasion. It sounds shallow, but I don’t think it is. This is simply the excitement of the girl coming out of me for the first time in ages. True, I never had this many clothes, but that was due to the constant purging. I’ll never purge again. This is me, and I’m getting used to it.

I just wish it wasn’t so gosh-darned expensive!

If only…

11753870_10204800331195250_1977484206_nI need more clothes, but I’m so broke! UGH! Why couldn’t I have been born rich or something? I need a job, a better job, one that pays me a decent salary. I need money!

Being me isn’t cheap, and I don’t exactly go for designer clothes. I buy most of my outfits at Target or Wal-Mart. Yeah, I’m really high-class, lol. I have expensive taste but a poor man’s wallet. Damn my inability to play nice at work! If only I could get a promotion, or get a better job. If only I would finish one of my many books I’m writing.

If only…

We all have if only  moments in our lives. Some of mine are, in no particular order:

If only…

  1. …I would have been born a woman.
  2. …I could be a normal man.
  3. …I was brave enough….
  4. …strong enough…
  5. …I was skinnier…
  6. …prettier…
  7. If only I knew who I was.

Lately, I’ve spent so much of my money on clothes, but I don’t have near enough. I want more. I need more! I need shoes, boots, I need dresses, jewelry, make-up. If only I had enough money to make ends meet, with enough left over to realize my truest vision of myself.

If only…

Earlier this week, my friend took me to Burlington Coat Factory where I found some reasonably priced clothes. I bought a pair of jeans and she bought me a couple of blouses. Guess what, still not enough. I suppose the truth is it’ll never be enough. Not with my obsession with taking selfies to post online. I can’t help it that I like to show off! I pretend to hate it, but part of me likes the attention, so long as it doesn’t get creepy.

I know I’m not alone in the struggle. It’s hard to balance the girl side that we keep hidden with the public boy image we much maintain to save face. We’re not allowed, as men, to admit that we aren’t 100% manly. We have to be macho, sometimes doubly so, to prove to ourselves and to others that we have a softer, feminine side to us.

You know, I think that’s a shame. If only we were allowed to be ourselves, I think we would be happier, more productive members of society. And I’m not talking solely about the LGBTQ community, but all of society. We are raised to conform to an arbitrary standard of behavior. Sure, some of it is necessary to maintain an ordered society, but why should that come at the price of our individuality?

I realize there are those who have come forth into the light, to show society that being transgendered isn’t some sick vanity, that we chose to be somehow different. How many of us struggled against yourselves, against our need to be who we are, to try to present a normal identity to the world? How many are no longer with us because they couldn’t do it, and opted instead to kill themselves.

Right now, I buy my clothes in secret, afraid of letting my secret out into the world. Sure, I post my selfies, but I live terrified that my family could find out, or my co-workers, or friends. I wish I could go out everyday, showing the world who I truly am, instead of presenting this bitter facade for all to see. I’ve made jokes about wanting to be a woman, and it’s funny that everyone thinks I’m joking, all unable to contemplate that I could actually be serious.

But what if they were to see the real me? What then? Would the accept me and realize that I’m much happier as Stefani, or would they reject me outright? What if I didn’t care anymore? What if I let my secret out to the world to see?

There are so many what if situations that I don’t know what to do, or how to realize any of them. Instead I lay here, dreaming about my next outfit, wondering who I could scrounge up enough money to buy something really killer. Maybe I’m a little shallow and self-involved, but all I can think about is what if I had the money to expand my wardrobe.

If only…

A pair of jeans…

I did it again! Yep, I couldn’t help myself. I have a weakness, it’s true. I have a new outfit. I didn’t take any photos this time, so you’ll have to take my word, but I’m getting the hang of this!

This time, instead of sexy and went for comfort. In boy mode that’s a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. I figured I’d try it and it came together perfectly. I still wore a pair of pantyhose underneath – I have a fit of a pantyhose fetish, and I have since at least the first grade – but that was strictly for my comfort.

My friend went with me to Target, and this time around I didn’t feel self-conscious. Last time I had the fear that everyone knew what was going on, that I was a big ol perv boy, but logically I know that most people are so focused on themselves, they couldn’t be bothered caring what I was doing.

So I shopped with my friend, she being my cover, and we looked, she helped me pick out a few cute things, and I made up my mind. I spent more than I could afford, but I’m happy with what I picked. We promptly went to her place, and I changed into my new outfit, and everything fit perfectly. All I need now is to work up the courage and shave my face. I’m working up my courage to do it soon. Then comes the wig. Yikes!

I’m getting excited at all this shopping. I know it’ll take some time to amass a decent wardrobe, but I’m hoping to take a trip to the city soon, where I can be me all day long, even in public, without caring about who sees me.

But one step at a time…

Going shopping

I’m back home and wishing I could go on another trip, this time as Stefani. I told my friend about it, and of course she’s all for it. First things first, I need to assemble a wardrobe. I haven’t got shopping in almost a decade. I’m feeling sad about it.

I’ve done the all too familiar exercise we know all too well. I start buying clothes, make-up, and other essentials. Then I start feeling ashamed of my perversity so I begin to purge everything. Then after a while, I feel the need again and I start buying clothes, make-up, and other essentials, only to purge it again when I get embarrassed because I’m a freak….

And the cycle continues.

This time I’m going to start building my wardrobe again, the first in over ten years, and this time there will be no purging. I will have to store everything at her place for the time being. I’m hoping to have my own place, several hundred miles from here, sometime in the coming year.

But I can’t wait until Friday. I’ll probably only get panties, a bra, and pantyhose. Maybe also a dress. I don’t know. I have to start somewhere and not get too ambitious. It’ll take time, but Stefani will be back. I promise!