Tag Archive | Transgendered

Reintroductions

IMG_20160603_210251I’m about set to take another road trip down to visit a friend of mine next weekend. I can’t wait. I’m working to get my car ready as my air condition decided it no longer needed to work. I think I’ve located the leak, I’ve ordered the part, and I’m hoping it arrives before I leave. The Texas heat has begun to settle in, and I’m not looking forward to making that drive sans air conditioning.

I’m also looking forward to it because I’m planning on making the drive as Stefani. I did it last time, back in March, but I pulled over before I got to her house, changed back into boy mode, so that her husband wouldn’t see me. He doesn’t know, and as macho, right-wing man, anyone that doesn’t subscribe to traditional gender roles is to be ridiculed.

So I’m leaving early Friday morning, around five in the morning, and I asked my friend to be off that day. I want to introduce Stefani to her, even though she already knows. I send the occasional photo, but she hasn’t seen me dressed yet. At least not since 2000. I can’t believe it’ been that long.

She was the first person, back in ’97, that met Stefani. In fact, she’s the one that asked if I had a name. Back then, I dressed in secret, and though I came out to a friend even before then, it was still more of a fetish thing, one that filled me with shame and regret.

I came out to her as a joke. We worked at the same place, a Burger King on campus of the university we were attending. I kind of fell in love with her, which is strange to say now as she is my best friend. Then, I didn’t know her, but I thought she was cute, and we had that awkward banter that two people who are into each other fall into.

I would joke how I probably looked better in a dress than she did, as I recall. She laughed, but then she called my bluff. She told me where she lived and invited me over. To my everlasting surprise, I went over. I’m not sure if I actually put no a dress on that occasion, but I eventually did. I remember her pulling out a short, black dress. That I could have put it on is nothing short of amazing, considering how thin she was back in those days. Come to think of it, I was a lot thinner, too. Ugh, I feel fat!

Back to my story. She’s the one who helped me accept myself for who I was. She exhorted me to stop feeling guilty and to embrace the woman within. She taught me how to dress, showed me who to do make up, and encouraged me to leave the house, which I did. We went our during the day, me in short shorts with hose, and a sleeveless blouse. I totally rocked the look back then. It helped that I actually wore my hair long back then. We even went to Lubbock once and shopped around, if I recall correctly.

A lot can change in over the years. I’m no longer a thin wraith, and I don’t pass as well as I did back then. We dated for a while, broke up, but remained friends. She married, and I did as well, before divorcing five years later. The only constant is our friendship. And though I hid Stefani away for years, she never wavered in her acceptance of a person I tried to deny.

So here I am, ready to reintroduce myself to the woman who helped create my identity all those years ago. I can’t wait to make that drive, to step out of that car, and have her see me again.

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Learning I’m not alone

Alice-in-Genderland-9780595315628Hello everyone! I know it’s been awhile, but life goes on, and sometimes things get put on the back burner. It’s not great to admit it, but there it is, I got sucked into life’s race and forgot who I am.

At the moment, not much has changed in my condition. I’m still looking to strike out on my own again, and learn what it means to live alone. I can’t wait to get in touch with who I am on the inside. I’m tired of hiding who I am. I need to find like minded people, people who can accept me for who I am, and not who I pretend to be.

But enough about that…

I bought a book today. A little back story first. There was a magazine I used to purchase called Transformation. It was part porn, part informational, and part catalog. I enjoyed looking at the transsexual women, but I also longed to buy one of the catalogs they advertised, to buy some breast forms, dresses, etc. There was one item in particular I wanted to buy, but never did. A book by Richard J. Novic, a psychiatrist and a crossdresser, entitled Alice in Genderland: A crossdresser comes of age.

I wanted this book. I needed this book, but money was an issue, and also privacy. I wanted before I got married, and then after, I knew I couldn’t get it. My wife never accepted that her husband was a crossdresser. I’ve often wondered if that led to her infidelity, but I think not. She’s not the faithful kind of woman.

I’ve been single for over two years now, and I recently came across that book again. I’m single, so I have no one to hold me accountable, or to judge me, and I have an e-reader, so buying the book anonymously wouldn’t be a problem. So I bought it. I’ve had it for about an hour, and I’ve already read most of the first chapter. I can tell already that I love this book!

Dr. Novic has already touched on topics that I’m familiar with, ones that I have accepted as normal for me, but that has given me a sense of validation. There’s a brotherhood – or sisterhood; the choice of pronouns can get confusing – that I can relate to this. As such, although I’ve known this for a very long time, I found a measure of peace in knowing that I’m not alone.

I am a man, but I’m also in many ways a woman. I’ve been called a woman many times, sometimes in jest, but I can’t help but wonder if people sense that in me. It could explain some of the disrespect I get. Seems like effeminate men are roundly discriminated against and made fun of. This is a great topic which I may need to revisit another time.

For now, I’m going to continue to read Dr. Novic’s book, and feel secure that I’m not alone. I have a Facebook account, which exists solely to connect with other members of the transgendered community. I would love to get in touch with you all. It may not be possible to meet up in person, but for the moment, a virtual meeting place would be nice. You can find me on Facebook, and on Twitter.

Starting over

220px-Jasminum_sambac_'Grand_Duke_of_Tuscany'This is a scary step, but I think it’s time that I let my true self out. My name is Stefani Lara, and I’m a crossdresser. I guess, if I were to be honest, I’m transgender, a woman cursed with a man’s body, but I’ve made my peace with that. For the most part.

I’ve hidden myself from the world for over a decade, and I have been miserable. I’ve been married, and let my wife into my secret, and she resented it. She put me down and treated me like a freak. To add insult to injury, she cheated on me the entire time we were together. I doubt my crossdressing past had anything to do with it. She’s married and sends me nude photos of herself. She’s just that kind of girl.

I, however, am not.

But I’m now divorced, two years, single and needing to start my life over. This time my Stefani persona will be a part of who I am. I’m still in the closet, so to speak, with only my best friend in on my secret. She used to help me dress and taught me make-up. But that was almost fifteen years ago.

Anyway, I’m back and starting fresh. Look out world, lol!