Tag Archive | Transformation

The transformation

stefThe ritual begins with a quick shower. Depending on what I plan to wear, I may shave my legs, or I may decide against it, but I usually do. Even if I’m just wearing jeans, I like the feel of pantyhose on freshly shaven legs. And yes, I usually wear pantyhose, even in jeans. I love the way they feel.

After I’m out of the shower, I’ll go into the bedroom and start to dress. I try to avoid looking at myself in the mirror at this point because all I see is a middle-aged man staring back at me. Once I’m finished dressing, I’ll put on my shoes and then head to the mirror to do my make up. I have no choice but to look at myself at this point.

Looking into the mirror, I’m confronted with ridiculousness of the sight. I’m 39, clean shaven, and after almost fifteen years, I feel naked without my goatee. I steel myself and prep my face and then begin my ritual. I like to present a natural appearance, so my make-up is minimal yet necessary. I apply concealer to my beard area that doesn’t quite hide everything, but I’m still searching for the right products that work with my face.

I pat my foundation on, followed by my powder. Next I being working on my eyes. I’m using liquid eye-liner at the moment, and it’s interesting to use, but I still haven’t quite mastered the technique. I fumble forward and apply my eye shadow, followed by mascara. Once done, I brush on some blush, apply a second layer of powder to set everything in, and finally I’ll do my lips.

I glance into the mirror to see my handiwork, and I feel silly. I’m the clown in my own private hell. I close my eyes before I turn to walk away. I glance at the full-length mirror and catch the middle-aged creep staring back at me, looking like the laughing stock I feel at that moment.

I slip on my wig cap, followed by my wig, and the man disappears. It’s at that moment that I emerge, no longer silly, no longer ridiculous, but a woman as I feel I am. I touch up hair, give my make-up a once over, then I step in front of the mirror and I’m looking into an alternate reality, one where the person looking back at me is the person I know I am. I feel beautiful and I’m mesmerized by the look of contentment that appears on her face. It’s the same look I know I’m radiating.

In that moment when I slip on my wig, I’m transformed, and I’m aware of the transformation. It washes over me and I become a new person, a happier person. I pause before stepping out of the bedroom and into the living room to show my friend, and she usually gasps appreciatively. I’m complete.

I take a few pictures of myself, selfies to memorialize the stolen moments I have away from the prying eyes of society. I share them online, a concession to my need to be accepted by my peers. A few make unwelcome comments, a little to sexual, a little too graphic. Sometimes they are desperate pleas for attention. I’m cautious about who I reveal myself to. I don’t hesitate to block those who make me uncomfortable. I’m not here to be someone’s fetish.

I remain me for a few hours before I peel away the layers and the magic fades into memory. I come down from my momentary high, back too this haze of oppression by body locks me in. I look at the pictures, and I read the comments online, smiling as I think about how happy I feel being Stefani. I envy those who have had the strength to go full time, to transition completely. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to.

But for a few hours I got to be me, and it was glorious!

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Learning I’m not alone

Alice-in-Genderland-9780595315628Hello everyone! I know it’s been awhile, but life goes on, and sometimes things get put on the back burner. It’s not great to admit it, but there it is, I got sucked into life’s race and forgot who I am.

At the moment, not much has changed in my condition. I’m still looking to strike out on my own again, and learn what it means to live alone. I can’t wait to get in touch with who I am on the inside. I’m tired of hiding who I am. I need to find like minded people, people who can accept me for who I am, and not who I pretend to be.

But enough about that…

I bought a book today. A little back story first. There was a magazine I used to purchase called Transformation. It was part porn, part informational, and part catalog. I enjoyed looking at the transsexual women, but I also longed to buy one of the catalogs they advertised, to buy some breast forms, dresses, etc. There was one item in particular I wanted to buy, but never did. A book by Richard J. Novic, a psychiatrist and a crossdresser, entitled Alice in Genderland: A crossdresser comes of age.

I wanted this book. I needed this book, but money was an issue, and also privacy. I wanted before I got married, and then after, I knew I couldn’t get it. My wife never accepted that her husband was a crossdresser. I’ve often wondered if that led to her infidelity, but I think not. She’s not the faithful kind of woman.

I’ve been single for over two years now, and I recently came across that book again. I’m single, so I have no one to hold me accountable, or to judge me, and I have an e-reader, so buying the book anonymously wouldn’t be a problem. So I bought it. I’ve had it for about an hour, and I’ve already read most of the first chapter. I can tell already that I love this book!

Dr. Novic has already touched on topics that I’m familiar with, ones that I have accepted as normal for me, but that has given me a sense of validation. There’s a brotherhood – or sisterhood; the choice of pronouns can get confusing – that I can relate to this. As such, although I’ve known this for a very long time, I found a measure of peace in knowing that I’m not alone.

I am a man, but I’m also in many ways a woman. I’ve been called a woman many times, sometimes in jest, but I can’t help but wonder if people sense that in me. It could explain some of the disrespect I get. Seems like effeminate men are roundly discriminated against and made fun of. This is a great topic which I may need to revisit another time.

For now, I’m going to continue to read Dr. Novic’s book, and feel secure that I’m not alone. I have a Facebook account, which exists solely to connect with other members of the transgendered community. I would love to get in touch with you all. It may not be possible to meet up in person, but for the moment, a virtual meeting place would be nice. You can find me on Facebook, and on Twitter.