Tag Archive | Trangender

The Party

 

IMG_8rnoct.jpgMy store held our annual Christmas party this past Sunday, and though I really didn’t feel up to it, I went. Sunday was my day off, and I really didn’t want to leave the apartment and drive downtown to the Amarillo Civic Center. But I was hungry, and they were feeding us.

I had dressed up early in the day to go with a friend to see Murder on the Orient Express, a movie I highly recommend, and when I got back to my place, I was loath to go back to Joe mode. I relish the time I have to myself. To exist as my true self.

That’s when I began thinking about maybe just showing up as Stefani. The thought had been in my mind to show up at work, questions be damned, but I thought it inappropriate. That won’t happen until I begin to transition, should I decide that that’s what I should do.

Then the party came up. My day off is my day, the time I spend for me. I want to say I made up my mind to go as Stef, but the truth is I think I was resolved to go. I had no excuses not to.

So I changed into something a little more festive, made sure my makeup was still good. Then I put on my heels and made my way to the party. Only one coworker had any idea I was doing it.

I wasn’t too nervous about it. Most of my coworkers already knew by then, though they hadn’t seen me dressed up yet. I walked in and…

Nothing. Most people didn’t register that I had come in. Those few that did returned their attention to the fajitas on their plate, or the conversations they were having.

I ended up sitting with a couple of friends before getting up to get myself a plate. I was a little self-concious, but I had very little to be concerned about. Several waved excitedly at me, or said hi. Some said I looked pretty. One told me they admired the fact that I was brave enough to be myself, no irony in her voice, by the way.

I spent a lifetime afraid of this moment, and it came and went without any issues. Of course it’s a sign of our times. I don’t claim this as a personal victory. This was made possible by the thousands before me, those courageous souls who sacrificed so much, some even their lives, just so I could go to  party in peace.

So no, I don’t take this for granted. All I speak to is my personal journey, of loosening the reins to my my secret, of slowly coming into my own. I still have a ways to go, but for all the losses I have had, 2017 has been good for me. I can’t wait to see what 2018 has in store.

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From then until now

It was a year ago that I took my first roadtrip as Stefani. I drove to Oklahoma City, spent the entire time dressed up, did some sightseeing, and drove back, without once changing into my male alter ego. I didn’t even take him clothes. It was a scary and exhilarating experience, and one I will never make again.

Since then, I’ve grown bold in my femme persona. As I write this, I’m in a coffee shop in Amarillo, a few blocks from where I work, wearing a skirt and blouse. Being Stef is less of an issue. I’m still apprehensive about it, especially with all the negativity thrown our way via the politicos in Washington and Austin, but no one gives me a second glance. I’m invisible.

Part of it is growing more comfortable in my skin. My first forays were spent in a state of hyper anxiety, waiting to be called out. But the more I have gone out, the less anxious I have become, learning to relax and enjoy my time out. The more comfortable I’ve become, the less attention I draw to myself.

Since my trip to OKC, I’ve gone out several time to DFW, visited the Arboretum there. I’ve driven to Lubbock and spent the day. I’ve started going out during the day here in my city. I’ve let more and more people into my life, the fear of being discovered having less power over me.

Only last week, I drove to Dallas, spent the entire time as Stef, and even visited my old work place. No one bothered to pay me any attention. I spend almost all my free time as Stef, only going out as Joe when it’s necessary, or when I go to work. I’m not yet ready to introduce myself as Stef there, even if most people already know.

Where I am now is coming to the decision that it’s time to move on. I never meant to stay in Amarillo, and I think my time here is coming to an end. I think that by next spring I’ll be ready to make the move to DFW. I’ll transfer to another Home Depot around the McKinney area, or maybe I’ll consider looking for another job altogether.

I’ll admit that I want to go to work as Stef. I want to live as Stef. The act of transitioning is growing more on my mind. I feel no rush when I dress up any more. I do not feel the excitement as I once did just to step out the door. It feels natural, it feels right, I feel like me.

I’m supposed to call someone my friend has recommended I talk to. She’s out of town until this coming week, but I’ll meet with her as soon as possible. I need to know how to proceed with my life, and my spiritual life is just as important to me as my physical well being.

There’s a lot to look forward to, and I can’t wait to live my life. My only regret is that I waited this long to come to terms with who I am. I can’t change the past, but I can make the right decision going forward. Here’s to me.

Company Christmas Party

20161208_175554The company Christmas party was held this past Sunday. I wasn’t interested in going the past few years, but seeing that I’m in a supervisory role, and I seem to be in good standings, I thought it prudent to go, so I did.

I didn’t know what to expect. I knew there would be food, but other than that, I had no clue. It wasn’t anything special. It was held in the banquet area of a local Mexican restaurant. The food was good, but nothing special. They had a bar, but I didn’t order anything.

My friend V found me sitting at a table, feeling uncomfortable, because I’m not one to socialize. She was dressed nice, casual but nice. For once, she had her hair down. She usual wears a cap and has her hair tied back, but on Sunday her hair was down, no cap. I thought she looked beautiful.

She whispered into my ear that I should have shown up as Stefani so that we could be twins. I laughed at that. She wasn’t the first one to say that. Another coworker hinted that I should back when we were setting up for Black Friday. A third coworker concurred, saying that I should just get it over with.

But I’m not ready for that. Part of me would like to be out, but I’m still holding fast to what’s quickly becoming an open secret, and growing wider all the time. It’s a curious thing, to be sure, to be able to talk about it freely  to people I know. I kept it hidden for decades, so to have my secret broadcast is frightening and exhilarating.

After the party, I took V for drinks in downtown, The 212 Club. I’ve gone there several times as Stefani. This was the first time I went in boy mode. We sat at the bar, griped about work, and enjoyed each other’s company. We shared a few drinks, and then enjoyed the drag show that we didn’t know was going on. I think V noticed I enjoyed watching a few of the girls a little too much. I think she enjoyed me watching them, lol.

I took her home a little later than I had wanted. I had to be at work at 9 on Monday. I drove her home, and we talked a little more. It was a fun night, and I wouldn’t mind repeating it soon. I just can’t help but wonder how much more fun it would have been had I taken the plunge and showed up as Stefani.

Just a thought.