Tag Archive | TG

Finding an ally

DFrMul3XkAAy03dLast week I saw this image on a friend’s Facebook timeline. I didn’t think much of it as she’s a liberal person and I thought she was simply being supportive. She didn’t know about me or my journey, having never confided this secret to her. I loved the image and  continued on my way, scrolling down my feed, wasting time.

It wasn’t until later that I started reading her comments, and she stated that she had a transgender son. I was in shock. I had not known that. I suppose most people don’t advertise that fact. It’s dangerous to say so and can put them in an awkward and even a hazardous position. Being out comes with a price, a price I’m only now coming to terms with, and deciding if I’m willing to pay that price.

But my friend’s son decided to come out, to transition. She went from a young woman and accepted herself as a young man. That takes a lot of courage, especially with the amount of bigotry that seems socially acceptable to push onto the transgender community. I’m in awe.

But I will confess that I had a mixture of emotions when I read about her son. On the one hand, seeing her accept her child filled me with a sense of hope. Maybe I could confide in her my own struggles and my own journey to accept myself. On the other, I felt saddened by it. Saddened because it’s such a difficult burden to carry. Many fail. I pray he succeeds.

But it also takes a toll on the family. Who was once a daughter is now their son. How does one process that? I’ve never been in a position to deal with that, and it’s a position that I may be placing my family under should I conclude that I must transition.

At that moment, however, I decided to reach out to my friend, and to tell her about my own journey, my own struggles. To my relief, she accepted me for who I am, referring to me as her, girl, Stefani. It was an amazing experience.

I’m hoping to meet up with her in person at the end of the month. I’m heading back to the DFW area for a mini vacation, just a few days away from work and home, a chance to relax and to recharge. She sounds every bit as excited as I do. Of course I will be going in Stefani mode. There’s no question about that. I now I can’t wait. It’s nice when you discover another member for your support team. Every one helps.

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Boomerang roadtrip

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In front of Walmart 5311 in McKinney, TX. I worked here as an ASM back in 2006-2008! ~Stef~

What a week! Last week was inventory week at my employer, and anyone who has ever worked retail knows just how horrible the inventory process is, particularly if you are a manager or a supervisor. Lots of work, long hours, little sleep. Worked Thursday until midnight, having to return to work at five in the morning on Friday. I ended up not being able to sleep, so I stayed up about thirty hours before I was able to get to bed for a little shut eye.

With inventory over, we had reports to work on Saturday, which we spent a few hours doing, until it got too busy. I worked until six, at which time I went home and tried to relax, knowing that the next day, Sunday, I would be have off. Finally having some free time, I changed into my Stefani clothes, knowing I would have the rest of the evening, and the next day, to be myself.

 

At around nine Saturday, my friend Amy convinced me to drive up to see her. The drive from Amarillo to her house, about an hour and a half north east from Dallas, usually takes about six to seven hours. Not wanting to squander the time I had set aside, I said I would go, but I would only do so as Stefani, which she heartily agreed to. She missed her best friend after all, as did I!

Nothing of note happened on the drive. I listened to music, and then switched over to a book got off of Audible, The Night Circus (my favorite book of all time!), and got to her house at 4 in the morning. Slept in until almost ten before I woke up, exhausted but happy to see my friend.

Now, Amy has known about me since we met back in ’98. Her husband, however, did not. He only found out maybe a year ago, after I told Amy to go ahead and tell him. I think it freaked him out, the arch-conservative that he is. I never presented myself as Stef in front of him, but this time I took only one change of clothes, since I would have to drive immediately home on Sunday evening.

This is where it gets amusing. I was in the living room, on the chaise, covered with a throw, wearing the clothes I wore on the drive the night before. He saw me but didn’t pay me no mind. I thought he was avoiding me, not wanting to deal with a freak like me. Soon after, I look a shower, changed into the jeans and blouse I brought for the visit, put on my makeup, and stepped out, nervous at having her husband see me.

A few minutes later, he called me, wanting to show me his latest acquisition, and I went into his music room, where he showed off the controller for his drum machine. I sat down and began playing on the drums, as I usually do while I’m there. As I played, he went back into the kitchen until I was called back for breakfast.

Amy whispered to me that Bryan hadn’t even noticed that I had on a blouse, or that I was wearing makeup, or had my hair tied back. Never registered that I was in Stef mode. What he noticed as I walked into the music room, and what he asked Amy, was if I was wearing girl jeans!

Amy and I set off for one of her client’s house – she has a pet-sitting business – to drop off their dog. We stopped by a Walmart I had worked at in McKinney, the one I opened back in 2007 as an assistant manager, and walked around. Brought back some memories! Then we got a bite to eat, stopped by another client’s house to feed their dogs, and back to her house.

I stayed another couple of hours. Bryan came in and we talked a bit, mostly about the trailer for a movie that’s coming out next year, Ready Player One, and the differences we noticed between what they showed in the trailer and what was written on the book.

Then at six that evening, I left to make the six hour drive home. Once Bryan had decided that I was the same person in Stefani mode, he grew more comfortable. I hope that leads to him coming to terms with transgender people in general, but we will have to wait and see.

I think most people would grow more comfortable if they interacted with transgender people. We’re not some group of bogeymen. We’re not crazy, and we are not mentally ill, which I’ve read as fact from some ignorant jack asses on Facebook. I know some people are bigoted and are eager to find a group that is socially acceptable to bully and disparage, but if more people were willing just to talk to us, maybe some of that stigma would disappear. Maybe they would come to see that we’re people deserving of respect.

At least, that’s my dream.

Getting comfortable in my skin

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Downtown Amarillo, The Burger Bar. 2017 ~Stef~

Freedom is a funny thing. Since making my move a little over two months ago, I’ve been able to be me more often. I can come and go as I please, and largely I have done so. About a month ago, I got dressed, picked up my friend, and we drove two hours to Lubbock, solely because I wanted to buy art supplies as Stefani. I wasn’t confident enough to do it here, so close to everyone I know.

That experience was awesome, to say the least. I bought some paints, went to Kohl’s and Walmart, and ate at the Rib Shack. Then we drove the two hours home. I was fun, amazing, blah, blah, blah. The more I’ve gone out, the less of a novelty it has become. On the one hand, isn’t that what I want? On the other, the thrill is kind of gone. I miss the adrenaline rush!

Last Friday, on my day off, I dressed up, once again, went to my friend’s apartment to work on my painting. While there, I decided that we needed to go eat. Usually I just order a pizza, but I was feeling daring, so we went downtown and ate at The Burger Bar. The apprehension was there, but it wasn’t paralyzing. I do recognize that I need some work interacting with others. My confidence isn’t there.

That notwithstanding, it’s a great feeling to be out an about. I do elicit some looks, but most don’t give me a second glance. I’m just another person, and they couldn’t be bothered to have anything to do with me. They’re so wrapped up in themselves that everyone else registers only slightly. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad, lol.

Which brings me to what’s going on now. The Panhandle Pride Festival is coming up later this month, and I’m considering whether or not to go. I’m leaning towards going, but that brings into question whether to go as myself or in boy mode. I had wanted to go as me, but my employer will have a booth set up, attended by my coworkers, most who are unaware of my identity.

So, do I out myself further and go as me, or do I go incognito or not at all? Of course, I have no illusions that you can give me the answer. The decision is ultimately mine, but it’s one that I can’t help but contemplate. Be me or not? Embrace my identity or continue to hide?

At the moment, I have no desire to transition, though it is on my mind at times. I will admit that I have so much respect for those who have crossed that threshold and decided to transition. It takes so much courage to accept who you are, but also to come out, knowing that there may be some relationships irreparably damaged. I’m not to that point.

I’ll go it one day at a time, and I’ll made the final decision nearer to the day, and probably on the day.  Some of my friends are all into me going to Pride, and I’m sure they’d love to accompany me as Stef. If I do, of course I’ll let you know, and yes, I’ll post pictures. I kind of hope I do it. I love going out!

 

Get away

15800351_1871620909739954_751089145125419329_oJanuary is almost half over, and I haven’t even posted anything! What the hell is wrong with me?! Maybe I should be forgiven since I haven’t had anything to share. Frankly, I still have nothing to share. The best I have is that I’m still ticking. Yay me!

I haven’t had too much Stefani time lately. I feel that’s too often the case. Work is taking up so much time and energy, that all I want to do is go home and crawl into bed. Couple that with the drive to and from work, a two-hour round trip, the inability to dress up at home, and the limited places I have to go out, then you can see that dressing up is a bit difficult.

I did manage to go out for dinner about a week ago. Yes I, Stefani, went out in public, to a restaurant, and had dinner. Italian food, downtown Amarillo, at a place called Napoli’s. My friend came with me, and we had a quiet dinner. The staff was great, the food superb, but my nerves were still a little frayed. It’s not easy going out in town.

The good news is that I have a vacation coming up next month. Towards the end of February, my friend Amy and I are heading to Georgia to meet a couple of friends. I haven’t had the pleasure of meeting them personally yet, but Amy has. I was supposed to meet them back in 2011, but circumstances  conspired against me. Now, over five years later, I have that chance again.

They don’t know about Stefani, so I won’t dress up there, but we’re planning of taking a detour through New Orleans. I’ll probably spend the drive to New Orleans and back to DFW as Stefani. We’ll probably spend a night or two there. I plan to spend the whole time there as Stef.  I may dress up for the drive to Georgia as well and change before we get to our friends. Haven’t made up my mind.

It’s been growing on my mind that I need an adventure. This is my first opportunity in ages to venture out and do something new. As exciting as going out as Stef was at first, it’s not quite the same. I want to do more now. I want to spend days, even weeks as myself. I don’t want to hide it. Maybe a change is on the way.

I don’t know, but what I do know is that my soul needs some time to rest. I would like to find some peace in my life. I would like to find someone to love me, and more over, someone who might actually want me, and want to be with me. I want a soulmate, not a fleeting, vacuous moment.

I’m looking forward to next month. As great as my life has become as of late, I do need to get away, reevaluate my life, and where I want to go. I’m becoming aware just how short life truly is. I’m running out of time. The time is now.

Looking back – 2016

img_20161221_2317061I can’t believe another year has come and gone. It’s amazing just how quickly the years fly by. The older I get, the quicker time seems to pass. It’s not a new phenomena. We all repeat the common refrain this time of year, I can’t believe how fast time flies by!

This past year, I met a fellow crossdresser for dinner for the first time. That was a huge step for me. No one had ever met me as Stefani, except for my two closest friends. I was nervous, but it went well, and we’ve met one other time. I’m still hoping for a third dinner date, *fingers crossed*!

I took my first trip as Stefani this past summer, checking in to a hotel as spending the entire time en femme. We went out, did some shopping, had lunch at an Olive Garden, and went to the museum and the Botanical Gardens. I was so nervous, but I had such a great time. I hoping for more such trips!

This is also the year that I’ve let more people into my secret. I told another woman, one whom I hold in high regard, and honestly have a thing for, and she accepted me. Yay! She’s even met me a couple of times as Stefani, the most recent last week at 212. That was a blast, btw!

Several people know about me, and they seem okay with it. I have people to talk to about this side of me, a side that I kept well hidden for more than two decades. I feel happier than I ever have in my entire life. I’m beginning to feel that it’s okay for me to be me.

As such, I’ve become more confident in myself, and have gone out in public here in town, something I swore I’d never do. I’ve allowed myself to meet people, though I would love to meet a lot more. It’s so freeing to just be me!

I never thought I would change so much in twelve short months I never thought I would ever let anyone know my truest self. I know I still have a long road ahead of me, but I’m glad I’m no longer alone. I can’t wait to see where 2017 takes me. For the first time in my life, I feel happy, and that’s the best thing I can say has ever happened to me.

I wish you all a very Happy 2017, and thanks for reading!

 

Still about my hair.

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Sans wig. Looking rather blah.

I bought a new wig. Two of them, as a matter of fact. Should come in on Wednesday. I can’t wait! I want to wear them now! Chop chop!

My current wig has had it. It looks great in photos, but up close, it’s pretty ratty looking, especially in the back. No amount of conditioner or brushing is fixing the issue. I’m growing my hair out, but it’s not where I want it, yet. It’s getting there, but not yet. It’s so effing frustrating.

Gyahhh!

So for the time being, I bought a couple of wigs that should last me until my hair grows in. I’ve considering it for a few weeks now, but I had been hoping to last, but my last excursion into the world without made me change my mind.

As I’ve stated a few times before, I’m considering extensions as well, but I’m not there yet, either. Maybe I’m not ready to venture there quite yet. I don’t know, really. I should probably start to at least go looking at them, see how much they’re selling for, see if I want to pay that amount.

Thus far, I haven’t paid all that much for my wigs, which I’m sure has been part of my problem. If you go cheap, you’ll regret it, and I have. I’m going cheap once more, but I’m hoping for the last time. I’ll pony up a little more for extensions. Maybe. I’m such a tightwad when it comes to stuff. Then I’ll spend an ungodly amount buying something here and there, and end up spending more money that I had intended. Silly me.

So what advice do you have for me? Are extensions the way to go? Does anyone have any experience with them? My hair is getting pretty long, so maybe it isn’t a stretch to think about it. Let me know what you think!

Also, email me at tgstef@stefanilara.com

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Isn’t this better? ~Stef~

Last Friday Night

img_2016_12_16_22_24_34I think I’ve grown somewhat comfortable going out in public now. It’s a strange feeling, no doubt, to go out uninhibited. I’m still a little hesitant, scared of being recognized, worried about being attacked for being true to myself. This journey isn’t an easy on to undertake, and I’m not even transitioning! Mad respect to those who have taken that step.

For the time being, I’m content to live in this dual existence. It isn’t easy, but I’m not yet willing to make that drastic a change. I’ll confess that I have thought about it. I have wondered what it would be like to start hormones, feminize myself, and take on the physical characteristics of my gender. The male side of me just wants to play with my boobs. I think the female side of me does also. Is that normal?

Regardless, I spent a few evenings this past weekend getting dressed up. I dressed up Friday night, thinking I was going to stay in. I didn’t. I got dressed, and I took my friend to see the lights up in Bishop Hills. They were beautiful. I followed a parade of cars lining up to see the lights. It’s a nightly event in the wealthy area. I don’t know how they stand it!

We went back to her apartment, and around midnight a coworker invited me to join her at a bar. I hesitated, fearing the new place. I didn’t know what kind of place it was, and if it would tolerate a transgirl. Promising that she and her group would take care of me, I joined them. The place was a bust. My friend didn’t like it, so we left.

We made our way to another bar, and this place was jumping. It was packed, and there was a line out the door, waiting to go in. We waited a few minutes, but I didn’t like being exposed. As we walked away, my friend suggested a strip club. I said yes.

I don’t like strip clubs. I find them depressing. Don’t get me wrong, I like looking at the lovely ladies, but I sense a desperation in there. I went in despite my reservations,  a transgirl, in a strip club. I was immediately humped from behind by one of the girls. I wondered who was behind me. She was tall, thin, blonde, and utterly gorgeous. I enjoyed it a little too much.

We sat down, and I did what I usually do and people watched. I had a couple of beers, looked at the strippers, and the gentlemen vying for their attention. I conversed with my friends, but for the most part, I watched. Not my kind of environment, but it was an interesting night. I’m glad I went out!

As for yesterday, I didn’t mean to stay in town and dress up, but the weather was bitterly cold, and it had been snowing. I thought the roads might be clear, but I didn’t want to chance it. I stayed, dressed up again, but stayed in. I watched a documentary on NetFlix instead, For the Love of Spock, before watching an episode of a new show, The White Rabbit Project, featuring the former build team from Mythbusters.

Waking up this morning, I did not want to strip of my Stefani persona, but I had to. I wiped off what little make up I still had on, took of my nail polish, my shorts and long sleeve tshirt I wore to bed, and reemerged as my male counterpart. Ugh!

It’s such a joy to dress up, and I resent having to come back. There may come a time when I’ll have to confront the notion of transitioning head on, but it isn’t today. Honestly, I never would have thought I would have the courage to go out at all, especially where I live. I wonder what the future holds!

Company Christmas Party

20161208_175554The company Christmas party was held this past Sunday. I wasn’t interested in going the past few years, but seeing that I’m in a supervisory role, and I seem to be in good standings, I thought it prudent to go, so I did.

I didn’t know what to expect. I knew there would be food, but other than that, I had no clue. It wasn’t anything special. It was held in the banquet area of a local Mexican restaurant. The food was good, but nothing special. They had a bar, but I didn’t order anything.

My friend V found me sitting at a table, feeling uncomfortable, because I’m not one to socialize. She was dressed nice, casual but nice. For once, she had her hair down. She usual wears a cap and has her hair tied back, but on Sunday her hair was down, no cap. I thought she looked beautiful.

She whispered into my ear that I should have shown up as Stefani so that we could be twins. I laughed at that. She wasn’t the first one to say that. Another coworker hinted that I should back when we were setting up for Black Friday. A third coworker concurred, saying that I should just get it over with.

But I’m not ready for that. Part of me would like to be out, but I’m still holding fast to what’s quickly becoming an open secret, and growing wider all the time. It’s a curious thing, to be sure, to be able to talk about it freely  to people I know. I kept it hidden for decades, so to have my secret broadcast is frightening and exhilarating.

After the party, I took V for drinks in downtown, The 212 Club. I’ve gone there several times as Stefani. This was the first time I went in boy mode. We sat at the bar, griped about work, and enjoyed each other’s company. We shared a few drinks, and then enjoyed the drag show that we didn’t know was going on. I think V noticed I enjoyed watching a few of the girls a little too much. I think she enjoyed me watching them, lol.

I took her home a little later than I had wanted. I had to be at work at 9 on Monday. I drove her home, and we talked a little more. It was a fun night, and I wouldn’t mind repeating it soon. I just can’t help but wonder how much more fun it would have been had I taken the plunge and showed up as Stefani.

Just a thought.