Tag Archive | Stefani Lara

Step two – Lease is signed!

20160723_220725I signed my lease! For the first time in ages, I will have a place all to myself. There are a few things I need to do in the coming days, get renter’s insurance, put the utilities in my name, but the biggest hurdle has been crossed. I have an apartment, and I will be living alone!

I will move in on Tuesday, after I get off of work. I’ll hand over my deposit and pro rated rent for March, they’ll hand me the keys, and I’ll start the laborious process of moving my belongings from the house where I’m currently living, up an hour to Amarillo, then trudging up the flight of stairs to the apartment.

The good thing is that I don’t really have to move everything all at once. I’ll start with my necessities first. I’m already buying things that I need, towels, cleaning supplies, that sort of things. I’m also buying a few kitchen things that I can use until I have time to drive to my friend’s house to get the bulk of my belongings, namely my bed, dishes, and the rest of my books.

I’m going to clue you in on something; I’m terrified. It’s been a long time since I’ve had to pay rent of utilities. I’ve done it before, so I know I’ll get it again, but in the meantime, I’m trying to figure out how to budget for it. I know I’m stressing out over nothing, but it’s still a big step, especially since the last time I was on my own was before I got married over ten years ago!

That’s okay. I’m about to look into buying furniture. I want to buy new things, especially my sofa and love seat. I found a set that’s reasonably priced. I’ll probably see about buying a dresser on the cheap, at least for the time being. I’m also going to see about building a few things, too. I need shelves to put my books in, and I suppose I need a desk to write at. I’ll just have to buy a dining set. I wonder where I can get one at a reasonable price. Hmm….

There’s a lot to do, and it’s getting expensive quickly! I need to take a deep breath, relax, and accept that I can’t just do it all at once. I’ll be fine. I can do this. I just need money. Lots of it!

Of course, things opens things up for me. Like I’ve stated before, this gives me the freedom to explore the identity, away from prying, judgmental eyes. I’ll be able to go out whenever I please. I’ll also have my clothes and make up with me at all times. So, I can do this. This is what I wanted, after all. Only three more days until move in day.

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Last Friday Night

img_2016_12_16_22_24_34I think I’ve grown somewhat comfortable going out in public now. It’s a strange feeling, no doubt, to go out uninhibited. I’m still a little hesitant, scared of being recognized, worried about being attacked for being true to myself. This journey isn’t an easy on to undertake, and I’m not even transitioning! Mad respect to those who have taken that step.

For the time being, I’m content to live in this dual existence. It isn’t easy, but I’m not yet willing to make that drastic a change. I’ll confess that I have thought about it. I have wondered what it would be like to start hormones, feminize myself, and take on the physical characteristics of my gender. The male side of me just wants to play with my boobs. I think the female side of me does also. Is that normal?

Regardless, I spent a few evenings this past weekend getting dressed up. I dressed up Friday night, thinking I was going to stay in. I didn’t. I got dressed, and I took my friend to see the lights up in Bishop Hills. They were beautiful. I followed a parade of cars lining up to see the lights. It’s a nightly event in the wealthy area. I don’t know how they stand it!

We went back to her apartment, and around midnight a coworker invited me to join her at a bar. I hesitated, fearing the new place. I didn’t know what kind of place it was, and if it would tolerate a transgirl. Promising that she and her group would take care of me, I joined them. The place was a bust. My friend didn’t like it, so we left.

We made our way to another bar, and this place was jumping. It was packed, and there was a line out the door, waiting to go in. We waited a few minutes, but I didn’t like being exposed. As we walked away, my friend suggested a strip club. I said yes.

I don’t like strip clubs. I find them depressing. Don’t get me wrong, I like looking at the lovely ladies, but I sense a desperation in there. I went in despite my reservations,  a transgirl, in a strip club. I was immediately humped from behind by one of the girls. I wondered who was behind me. She was tall, thin, blonde, and utterly gorgeous. I enjoyed it a little too much.

We sat down, and I did what I usually do and people watched. I had a couple of beers, looked at the strippers, and the gentlemen vying for their attention. I conversed with my friends, but for the most part, I watched. Not my kind of environment, but it was an interesting night. I’m glad I went out!

As for yesterday, I didn’t mean to stay in town and dress up, but the weather was bitterly cold, and it had been snowing. I thought the roads might be clear, but I didn’t want to chance it. I stayed, dressed up again, but stayed in. I watched a documentary on NetFlix instead, For the Love of Spock, before watching an episode of a new show, The White Rabbit Project, featuring the former build team from Mythbusters.

Waking up this morning, I did not want to strip of my Stefani persona, but I had to. I wiped off what little make up I still had on, took of my nail polish, my shorts and long sleeve tshirt I wore to bed, and reemerged as my male counterpart. Ugh!

It’s such a joy to dress up, and I resent having to come back. There may come a time when I’ll have to confront the notion of transitioning head on, but it isn’t today. Honestly, I never would have thought I would have the courage to go out at all, especially where I live. I wonder what the future holds!

Christmas, presents, and a New Year’s getaway

20150803_203347I got a kick ass pair of shoes and some silk pantyhose for Christmas! I feel like a lucky girl. All I need now is the opportunity to try them on. I had hoped tonight would be that night. I even bought myself a new dress for the happy occasion. Alas, I had to postpone the festivities.

To be perfectly honest, I could have after work today. I got off at three-thirty. I could have gone back to my friend’s apartment, where I spent the past couple of nights by the way, and dressed up until I needed to come home. The reason I chose not to is because I’ll probably have to spend the weekend with her, again, due to the impending snow storm that’s expected to hit.

I’m okay with that. The last snow storm gave me the chance to dress up several nights in a row, which I loved. I may also take the opportunity to see if I can find some after Christmas specials on clothing, since I’m also taking a trip next weekend. If I can find something I like, within a reasonable price range, I’ll buy myself a few outfits to wear in the hotel, and maybe even to drive around town.

My cousin’s getting married in Corpus Christi the day after New Years, and I already have my hotel booked, a room with a king-sized bed all to myself. I’m making the drive with my parents, who do not know about this aspect of my personality, but since I’m leaving them at my grandmother’s house, who lives a town over from the hotel I booked, I’m reasonably confident that I’ll remain undiscovered. I hope.

I kind of want to find the crossdressing night life there, and mingle with actual people. That’s not to say that my friend isn’t people, she is, but it would be nice to meet people as Stefani, who only know me as Stefani. I’m not going to say I will definitely go out en femme, but it would be nice if I could screw up the courage to do so.

For now, I think I’m going to kick back. Although I work retail, I somehow managed to get the next three days off in a row, which includes Christmas Eve. Do you have any idea how insane that is? And I’m a supervisor! I’m not complaining, and I’m not volunteering to go in.

If I don’t write again before then, Merry Christmas to everybody! Hope you all have a blessed day. May Santa give you all the gifts you desire, and try not to be too naughty, but if you decide to do so, send me some pics!