Tag Archive | Shopping

Hit on me

14380031_1820764894825556_4160875774869280156_oI was hit on in a Walmart parking lot two Saturdays ago! I dressed up to go out to The 212 Club, which I’m increasing finding abhorrent, but that’s a topic for another time, when I decided I had had enough. We decided to leave but wasn’t quite ready to go back to the apartment. I asked my friend if she needed anything, and so we went to the Walmart on Amarillo Blvd.

It was uneventful, for the most part. We walked around, and I took the opportunity, since I dressed as Stef and it was late and the store was relatively empty, to look at clothes. We spent maybe half an hour looking at t-shirts and yoga pants before checking out and heading to the car.

I had just stepped into my car and started to back out when someone parked beside me and waved me down. Thinking I had left a bag on the roof of my car, I drove back into the parking spot, got out, and checked to see if there was something I forgot. Seeing nothing, I turned and looked inquiringly at the the guy who flagged me down. He was a skivvy looking man, with a handful of bills. He said he had noticed me walking around and the asked for my name. He had to repeat himself when I asked what he had said, thinking I must have misunderstood him.

I was stuck dumb. I stood there for a moment, mouth agape, in stock at what had happened. I’ve never been hit on. No man or woman has ever given me the time of day, so I admit that I didn’t know how to handle it. I came out of my shock and immediately got into my car and locked the door. The man, angry at my rejection, backed out and raced out of the parking lot. I waited to see where he was headed so I could leave. My friend beside me thought it was amusing and laughed at my discomfort.

Had it been a decent looking man instead of someone who looked as though they were using drugs, I may have played along. I’m not above wanting the attention of another man. I’m single and available, and though I would prefer a woman, sometimes I think having a boyfriend would be nice.

I don’t know if I’ll ever have an opportunity like that again, but I kind of hope I will. I would prefer it to be a clean cut man, with pride enough to have a job and enough money to take care of himself. I’m not asking for some Greek Adonis, a god in stature, though I wouldn’t say no to it, lol. My biggest fear is contracting some terrible disease from someone. Though the hysteria of the late 80’s and 90’s has subsided, HIV and AIDS is still a grim reality, and one I want to avoid. Am I being paranoid?

I don’t think so.

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Quiet September

img_20160903_1936571It’s been quiet lately in Stefani’s world. I’ve been closing a lot these past few weeks, and I tend to dress after work, so opportunities to dress up have been few and far between. I had hoped to meet another friend of mine last Tuesday, another crossdresser in town, for dinner, but plans fell through. I was disappointed, of course, but I understood. I hope she’s feeling better now, and I pray we can reschedule soon.

My hair is getting longer now. In fact, it’s driving me crazy. I kind of want to get the clippers and buzz it off. It’s at that awkward stage when it’s not long enough to do anything with, but long enough to get in the way. It’ll be several more months before I can do anything with it, and maybe up to a year before it’s as long as I need it. I can’t wait!

Now that it’s getting cooler, I’m needing to start buying myself some winter outfits. I do have a few, but I need more. I also need to buy myself a couple of jackets, a leather one so I can look like a kick-ass bitch, and something a little more sophisticated.

A friend from work with whom I confided my secret is wanting to take me shopping. I have my usual partner that I go shopping, but another couldn’t hurt. She’s wanting to take me to Maurices, should our bonus checks from work be large enough. I’ve never been in there. I wonder what’s in there. I wonder if there’s anything I’d like.

It’s crazy how invested I’ve become in this. I’ve come along way from my purging days, where I’d buy a few things, hide them, then become disgusted with my perversity and throw everything away, only to have my compulsion force me back into the cycle. Now I’m trying to build as large a wardrobe as possible. I’m staring to shift gears and buy more comfortable articles, shorts and t-shirts. I’m wanting to buy some capris, but I do believe they’re out of season. Damn it!

I brought another person into my circle recently. Actually, I had my bestie tell her husband about me. She told me that he wasn’t all to surprised by it. I think he had suspected I was a little on the gay side, so me being transgender wasn’t too much of a shock. I’m not gay, by the way, not that it matters. I’ve come to the conclusion that as far as Stefani is concerned, I’m bi.

Hopefully I can dress up this weekend. I desperately need it. The only thing is that I have nowhere to go. Gone are the days when dressing up and hiding all day in my friend’s apartment was sufficient for me. Now I want to dress up and go out. I love being out in public. I’m just not in a place where I can do so comfortably.

 

And yet another

20160824_150210It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything. I’m still alive, though extremely exhausted. Work has been brutal these past two weeks, and I don’t see it letting up anytime soon. I could use some time off. I should look into scheduling a vacation.

Things on the Stefani front is still about the same. I did bring someone else into the fold, my cousin. It began when she brought up a guy we went to school with, someone I always wondered if he was transgendered. There was something about him that made me suspect that he was.

That conversation led me to disclose my own gender identity, though I was nervous to do so. I opened myself up to her, and we ended up talking until after midnight. She was surprised by supportive. I showed her a picture, and she was amazed that I didn’t come across a some drag queen. I took that as a compliment.

Earlier, I had wondered out loud whether I should grow my hair back out, and she pieced it together, that my desire to grow my hair was an extension of my gender identity, and my loathing for wigs. She then made the suggestion that I should try to use extensions instead.

We talked clothing, makeup, and other girl things, which I found quite strange, but oddly satisfying. I could drop all pretenses and be me. It was great. I felt free, happy that at least I have an ally in the family. She did agree with me that my parents would never accept me, nor would my sister, but that’s a longer conversation.

What I hate is that I don’t have ample time to me Stef, only the occasional stolen moments. A friend asked me if I intended to transition, and all I could say is that I didn’t know. I’ve maintained that I had no intentions to do so, but this pull is getting stronger, and though I’m unwilling at the moment to say that I will do so, I have to concede that it is a possibility.

I don’t have to make up my mind yet. I can still dress when I have the chance. It’s the best I can do, and it’s fine for the time being. I have found some measure of peace whenever I do get to dress. I have found happiness, though only for brief moments of time.

Clubbing plans

0539cd1cc6a401270e0b416536677547291df9-v5-wmI’m planning on a girls night out come Saturday night. The only question is will it actually happen? I really hope so. My coworker, then one I spoke of on my previous blog, has been saying we need to go to Club 212 this weekend, and I agree. It feels good to have someone else in on my secret.

So, tomorrow after work, me and by friend are planning on going to do a bit of shopping. A girl needs clothes, after all. I think I’ll go with something on the casual side, maybe a little metal and a little grunge, but keeping with my demure style, as my friend calls my usual mode of dress. I call it secretary-chic, but to each their own.

I’ll try to see if my coworker want to have lunch tomorrow. We have yet to have a chance to talk, and I really want to, before we go out to the club. I want a nice, quite place where we can talk in peace. I know she has questions, and I want to answer them for her. I have precious few people with whom I can talk to freely about this. So far, I only have my two best friends, a friend in DFW, and a crossdresser in town that wants to remain anonymous. I’m trying to keep my identity a secret, but to do so, I would have to disengage from the internet, and I’m not willing to do that. I refuse to hide ever again!

 

Stefani Adventure: OKC

Driving to OKC

Driving down the highway. I-40, to be exact. ~Stef~

I didn’t know if I would have the guts to actually do it. I almost didn’t, chickening out before I got out of work, running later than I had wanted to, but in the end I did. I left work almost an hour late, drove to my friend’s apartment to pack my things, get showered, dressed, and put on my make-up. I drove in as “Steve,” and an hour later Stefani emerged, ready to embark on the my first trip en femme.

That had been my plan from the beginning, to enjoy a full day dressed up, to go out and mingle with the world without, leaving the mask I wear daily, and enjoy the warmth of the sun. I wanted to explore a new city, visit the sites, go shopping, and have lunch. I wanted a day instead of a few stolen hours. I wanted to know what it would be like to live a woman’s life.

This trip to Oklahoma City was the closest I could get. I had one day off, Tuesday, to fulfill my dream, so I did. My friend rode with me, and I drove the four hours until we got into town. I stopped once for a bite to eat, not having time to grab anything before we left. The people at the drive-thru didn’t bat an eye at me. Same goes for when I stopped for gas about an hour from OKC.

I thought for sure the people at the hotel would look at me funny, especially when they asked for my ID. No. They gave me my keycard, wished me a pleasant stay, and that was it. I unpacked the car, then headed for a convenience store for a snack. After the late-night snack we fell asleep.

***

17

At the OKC MOA. I forgot to switch out my glassses!

We woke up a little later than I had wanted to on Tuesday, but the day before had been a long day, what with a full day’s work, then a long drive. We got up and readied ourselves for a long day. I stopped at Payless Shoes to start the day. I needed a pair of walking shoes. My heels weren’t going to do it for the long day ahead. Afterwards, a quick stop at Walmart was in order to buy myself a decent purse. The one I was borrowing just wasn’t up to the task.

After a quick lunch at The Olive Garden, my first meal out in public as Stefani, we headed out to the Oklahoma City Museum of Art. We discovered that there was an exhibit entitle Maltisse: In his time, featuring works from Maltisse, Picasso, Renoir, among other contemporaries. I got to see a real life Picasso! It was so close I could touch it! How exciting is that?

We walked the Maltisse exhibit, which was on the second floor, and which was incredibly crowded, and the headed upstairs to discover a gallery featuring Chihuly‘s glassworks, which is all kinds of amazing! On the same floor, there was an exhibit of modern art. Back on the first floor, here was another gallery of art, which was worth seeing, but nowhere near as impressive as Maltisse.

From there we headed back to the hotel. It was hot, and I was feeling tired. We took a short nap before heading back out.

***

6

Crystal Bridge Tropical Conservatory at Myriad Botanical Gardens.

Feeling refreshed, we talked about what to do next. We settled on driving to the Myriad Botanical Gardens. The Crystal Bridge Tropical Conservatory closed at five, and we didn’t arrive until almost six, but the grounds were open, and it was free to look around, so we did.

We looked at the fauna, and the beauty of the grounds. We saw several people walking around, their noses pressed to their phones, playing Pokemon Go, but at least they were out and about.

We spent almost two hours looking around, looking at the planets, enjoying the water features, gawking at some of the buildings surrounding the park in downtown OKC.

All the while, walking around the park, people greeted me with a smile, never remarking that I was clearly a man wearing women’s clothing. They were polite, if the acknowledged me that is, which really boosted my self-esteem. Soon I took off my this sweater and allowed myself to walk around in my sleeveless blouse, which I had been too self-conscious to do before.

We made out way to the bottom level, where there was a pond filled with koi and ducks, before making our way back to the car, and ultimately to Buffalo Wild Wings for dinner. We made a quick stop at The Home Depot before heading back to the hotel, getting ready to settle in for our last night in town.

***

We woke up on Wednesday and got dressed quickly, packed, and took everything to the car. I check out and then headed to gas up, and then we hit the road. I left OKC as I had arrived, dressed up as Stefani. I wanted to end the trip, enjoying the whole experience en femme. It was a bittersweet experience to arrive back in Amarillo, having only enough time to wash the trace of my identity from my face, and my nails, and put on my mask so I could go to work.

It was quick depressing to dress in drab again, and as I tried to get to work, I felt the depression weighing down on me. It may have been the exhaustion of the trip bringing me down as well. For almost 48 hours, I enjoyed my time as Stefani, reveling in the experience, wanting to do it again

Next time I want to go to Albuquerque and Santa Fe. A co-worker is wanting to take a trip to Taos, which may or may not happen, but I hope it does. She’s okay with me going as Stefani, so I pray it does. There’s so much to see and do, and I can’t wait to go out on another Stefani Adventure.

If you care to scroll through my photos of the trip, please visit my Flickr.

Road trip: June 2016

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At The Shops at Willow Bend in Plano, Texas. June 18, 2016.

Took another road trip down to see my friend, as I mentioned on my last post. I got out of work half past midnight, and I think it took at least another hour to wind down. After only napping about an hour and a half, I got up, got dressed, and drove down to the DFW area.

The drive wasn’t too bad at first. I had been having car trouble for a while. My water pump was giving me trouble, as well as my a/c. I replaced the water pump last Wednesday, having to take a sick day. I though I fixed my a/c, but alas no. There’s a leak that refuses to be found. I drove the entire six hours without air conditioning, which was one of the reasons I wanted to start early.

I drove with my windows open, which did a number on my wig. Also, I’ve been to self-conscious about the whole bathroom debacle that I limited my water intake so that I wouldn’t have to pee. So, I was in my car the whole time, not taking time to get out and stretch. It was hot, and I think by the time I got to Sherman it became a problem. I started having heart palpitations, and I fought a panic attack the remainder of the way.

By the time I got to my friend Amy’s house, all I wanted was to strip my sweat soaked clothes. I felt hot and constricted, though my friend said I looked nice. I had to walk around a bit, and she had to throw her dogs outside so that I could cool off and have my episode run its course, which it did. I undressed, and we went to Plano and had lunch at The Cheesecake Factory. I would have loved to have gone as Stef.

It wasn’t until Saturday that I had a chance to explore a little as Stef. Since her husband was home, and he doesn’t know, I went to another friend’s place to change, and her husband has not issues with transgender people. So I changed, and both Tyler and Amy remarked how jealous they were of me, which I rather enjoyed. Then Amy and I set forth on our adventure

Our original plan was to go to the Dallas Museum of Art, but it was too late. Then we thought about going to the movies. We ended up going to The Shops at Willow Bend, a mall in Plano. We walked a bit, but since I had lost my belt, we decided to leave and head on over to Target so that I could buy one. From there we thought about going to the movies, but Amy had a client coming over to pick up a dog from her dog sitting service, so we decided to head home.

Having no time and no other recourse, I changed in the car, which isn’t an easy feat in metroplex traffic. I wonder what the other drivers thought about that, lol. But I was prepared for such an eventuality, and I had the necessary wipes and towels to take off my make up and nail polish. By the time we got back to the house, Stef was folded neatly in a bag, which made me sad.

I didn’t have a chance to dress again, and I didn’t want to suffer another scorching trip back home on Monday, so that’s all the Stef time I had. I’m hoping to take another trip soon, and stay in a hotel in Dallas. I want to go to the clubs, maybe see the sights, and take more pictures.

I had fun being out in public, though I did catch a few stares from other women. Amy said they were probably jealous of how I looked, and as much as I would love to believe that, I think I stuck out like a sore thumb. I obviously don’t pass, but I’m also crazily self-conscious. I did my best to enjoy myself and not let my own doubts bring me down.

A few related thoughts

11753914_10204790725275108_568390893_nI decided to buy a new wig a few weeks ago, but I haven’t had the chance to try it on. I’m still not ready to go to an actual wig shop and have one fitted, so like I did with my last wig, I bought it online. I was please with my last wig except that it was so long it quickly became unmanageable. It became a rat’s nest in the back and I decided it was best to retire it and buy a new, shorter one.

I’m hoping that I’ll have a chance to dress up on Monday. I didn’t take advantage of my last opportunity to dress up because I just wasn’t up for it. I was a bit lazy and the time needed to transform myself didn’t help. I would have had maybe an hour to enjoy being dressed before having to get undressed. I want a few hours at least. The last time I did become Stefani lasted all day, and it was wonderful.

I’m actually looking forward to dressing up, doing my nails, and just hanging out. I started a diet for 2016, which isn’t much of a diet as it is a change of a sort. I had been in the habit of eating fast food everyday for lunch, and I decided that I needed to start taking my lunch with me instead. I’ve managed to lose a few pounds, but I’m not satisfied. I’m around 190 now. I want to get to at least 170. I’m going to add exercises soon as well.

What I want is to look a little more like Stefani and less like Steven. I understand that I may not pass 100%, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to look as feminine as possible. I think that’s been my problem with motivation lately. I’m not happy with how I look, or how I feel. I look in the mirror and I see a fat middle-aged man staring back. It’s hard to make myself look or feel sexy.

I know I’m the only one who can change that, and I mean to. I put in for a vacation in early March and I’m hoping for at least a couple of quality days as Stefani. A friend in the metroplex wants to take me shopping, and I would love to feel secure enough in myself to confidently go out. I think I’m getting a panic attack just thinking about it!

In all reality, this part of me is that hardest for me to accept. I’ve gotten better in that I acknowledge that Stefani exists and I allow her to come out. I know she’s ready to head outside and become part of the living world, but I’m vain enough to want to look good while doing it.

 

Exhausted

20151126_190640I’m exhausted! It’s been a trying couple of months, to be sure. First I did the whole NaNoWriMo thing last month, on top of work. Retail isn’t friendly towards writers, especially around the holidays. I worked so much overtime in preparation for Black Friday it’s ridiculous. Then the weather turned icy and we didn’t get many shoppers.

Immediately after that, we switched gears and started getting ready for inventory. I’m sorry, but it’s stupid to try an do inventory in the middle of the Christmas holiday season, but there we were all the same. Fortunately, Tuesday was the big day, and while I worked overtime in preparation again, it’s all over, except for Christmas Day!

I managed to steal sometime during the Black Friday weekend for Stefani, but since then I haven’t had the time. I did manage to buy a new outfit this week, a pair of black slacks and a blouse, but I haven’t had the opportunity to get dressed up. Maybe I can steal a few moments this week.

Right now, I’m taking a well deserved day off. I actually had two days off. I go back tomorrow, which is a shame. I would love to have a whole week off just to goof off and rest. I think it’s time to consider taking my vacation soon. I need it!

The price of me

20150831_182201I wish I had money. I’m not talking about a couple of hundred or even a couple of thousand dollars. No. I’m talking about the obscene amount of wealth that makes us lowly commoners sick with envy. I want so much money that every one of my desires could easily be bought, my dreams realized with a swipe of a card. I want to be rich.

Okay, so I’d settle for a couple of hundred dollars. I’d settle for a nice pair of boots…, or two. A girl can’t have too many! I am a Texan, so I’ll need some cowboy boots, and maybe a Stetson as well. I need thigh-high boots, high-heel boots, I need heels, pumps, sneakers, sandals. I need purses and bags, and belt. Damn do I need belts. And jackets. Winter is coming up, don’t you know? I need more than my job earns me. I need more!

So maybe I’m being slightly dramatic, just for effect. For the most part, I’m happy with what I have. For someone who virtually lost everything, wife, car, home, and job, I’m thankful for the little I do have. I’m grateful for the opportunity to be Stefani, I give thanks to have a few stolen moments wherein I can simply exist as me, as the woman I am.

But there is a bit of a materialistic desire in me, one that I have to sate a little bit at a time. Lately, I’ve been giving in to my wants more than I should. I’ve spent way too much on Stefani in the past couple of months, especially this week. For a guy that hasn’t bought a single stitch of women’s clothing in over a decade, I’ve spent too much on Stefani, but let’s call it making up for lost time.

I don’t know how many outfits I have, but I do know I have three pairs of jeans, a two pairs of shorts, a skirt, two dresses, and way too many blouses. Sadly, I only have two pairs of heels. I need to rectify that. I went to Payless Shoes, hoping to find an affordable pair of boots, but they were to pricey for me, having spent way too much on several blouses last Friday. That’s okay. We left, and my friend needed to make a copy of her key, so off to Wal-Mart we went. I spent too much on a couple of blouses and a camisole. I need help. Or a sugar daddy.

Maybe not. I’m sure once I build up my wardrobe, I’ll slow down a bit. Contrary to how I’m portraying myself on here, I’m not really all that materialistic. Want proof? I bought a couple of blouses from Wal-Mart. Not exactly a bastion of fashion now, is it? It’s affordable, comfortable, and accessible for the common working folk, like me.

Sure, I may go to department stores a buy myself a little something, but it’s not all that often. All I want is to have something to wear for every occasion. It sounds shallow, but I don’t think it is. This is simply the excitement of the girl coming out of me for the first time in ages. True, I never had this many clothes, but that was due to the constant purging. I’ll never purge again. This is me, and I’m getting used to it.

I just wish it wasn’t so gosh-darned expensive!

An unexpected sick day

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Things are looking up – or at least I am! Stefani Lara 2015

What a day! I went to work as scheduled, but I didn’t remain long. As I was about the step out of my car, I got a dizzy spell. It sucked! I don’t like missing work, so I decided to soldier on, like a good little employee, hoping the spell would pass. It didn’t While at the morning meeting, while our manger stood there leading our stretches, I mentioned the fact that I was dizzy to a co-worker who turned around and told our manager as soon as the meeting was over. I stood there, holding on the counter behind me, trying to maintain my balance. He sent me home.

I called a friend, feeling that I wouldn’t make it all the way home, and she let me crash at her place. I slept for several hours, confirming in my mind that I was most likely suffering from exhaustion. It happens from time to time, but thankfully not that often. When I finally got out of bed, she asked if I was hungry, which I wasn’t really, but I knew that I needed to eat to get my strength back up. Of course, I paid.

Afterwards, we went shopping. We hit a few stores, but money is a little tight, so all I bought was a blouse and a camisole. We went back to her place, and after deliberating whether or not to dress up, I did. Once again, she did my make-up, explaining all the steps she was taking to put me together, all the while discussing the different brands of make-up I should try, reserving what she uses herself until I gain some proficiency putting it onto myself.

I stayed dressed for all afternoon until I decided to come home. The more I dress up, the more comfortable I become with myself. It’s a wonderful sensation to lounge around as the woman I wish I were. I stepped out a bit into the hall way of her apartment, wishing I had the courage to walk out and into the light of the world, but I’m not ready yet. It’s scary, don’t you know, and I don’t want to rush my journey. I’m only now discovering who I am, and why share it prematurely?