Tag Archive | Relationships

Amor Vincit Omnia

20160924_220552I want a relationship. Kind of. I guess. Do I? Damn it, I don’t know! Why are we wired that way, to seek out the companionship of others, especially when we’ve been hurt to the very core? I’ve been hurt that way, making me curse the day I was even born. That’s a special kind of hurt. We’ve all been hurt somehow. We’ve all hurt someone as well.

I was talking about it to a friend, how I would like to meet someone, but that being Stef complicates things. I’ve mentioned it a few times, but most women want their men to be men. Some women are able to accept a crossdressing lover/boyfriend/husband. Some cannot. My ex-wife couldn’t, and I hadn’t dressed in years when we got together and throughout our marriage.

But I wonder about it, if I could accept a woman who wanted to be a man, who dressed as a man. Would I be receptive to that? If I were perfectly honest, I don’t think I would. So I get it. It’s asking a lot of a person to accept my duality. It keeps me from seeking someone out. Being rejected hurts, but I’m not one to hide this side of myself, even back when I was trying to hide it from myself. I’m honest about it to those I want to date. I value honesty in a relationship, and this is a big thing to hide.

The one thing she did share with me, by friend I was talking to, is that I seem happier now that I have in the past. When she first met me, and we met at work, I was angry. I was a ball of barely contained rage. I hated everyone. I especially hated women. I once said the only good woman was a dead woman. Yeah, not a recommendation for one’s sanity. I’m ashamed to admit it, but it’s the truth.

I’ve let go of that anger. It’s been a long process of healing, of forgiving, of acceptance. I had to forgive my ex’s for breaking up with me, for cheating, for breaking my heart. I had to accept that we weren’t meant to be together. I had to let go of that resentment. I had to come to understand that there wasn’t anything wrong with me. Scratch that. I’m still working on that.

But accepting Stefani is really what turned the corner. I’ve had to realize that happiness could only come by accepting me for me. I had to stop pretending to be someone I’m not. I’m not some normal man. I’m this odd duck, an other in a world of homogeneity. Once I accepted it, I learned that I’m not as unique as I thought. I’m not alone in this struggle.

And some of my sisters struggle with their love lives, too. Some have significant others that accept them for who they are. Some don’t. Some hide their femininity in a cloak of shame and despair. I’m still hiding, but not as carefully as I once was. I’m more of an open secret at this point.

But I’ve not yet made it to that place where I can be comfortable in an amicable companionship. Oh, there are a few guys who would be glad to make me theirs. I get hit on, at least online, but I recognize it for what it is, fetishists wanting to sate some deep-seated desire to fuck a tranny. I’m not a fetish! I’m an actual human being, thank you very much!

I’m a romantic at heart, and a lonely dreamer yearning for someone to make me whole. That’s a stupid dream, in all honesty. It’s something that I’m coming to learn lately, that I have to be the one to make me whole. I’m the one that makes me complete, that I should never yield that control to another. I’m responsible for my happiness, and if fate should allow me to meet someone, then my happiness will only grow from within me instead of being handed to me by someone else.

Regardless, I do want love. I want someone to hold in the lonely hours of the night. I want to be held as I slumber. I want a family of my own. I want that, as I always have, but have heretofore been denied.

Yet, as the saying goes, hope springs eternal. I have a lot to be hopeful for, more so than at any other time in my life. It’s nice to finally find acceptance with my friends. It’s nice to know that I have permission to be me. In the end, 2016 has been good to me. I look forward to 2017.


Looking back – 2016

img_20161221_2317061I can’t believe another year has come and gone. It’s amazing just how quickly the years fly by. The older I get, the quicker time seems to pass. It’s not a new phenomena. We all repeat the common refrain this time of year, I can’t believe how fast time flies by!

This past year, I met a fellow crossdresser for dinner for the first time. That was a huge step for me. No one had ever met me as Stefani, except for my two closest friends. I was nervous, but it went well, and we’ve met one other time. I’m still hoping for a third dinner date, *fingers crossed*!

I took my first trip as Stefani this past summer, checking in to a hotel as spending the entire time en femme. We went out, did some shopping, had lunch at an Olive Garden, and went to the museum and the Botanical Gardens. I was so nervous, but I had such a great time. I hoping for more such trips!

This is also the year that I’ve let more people into my secret. I told another woman, one whom I hold in high regard, and honestly have a thing for, and she accepted me. Yay! She’s even met me a couple of times as Stefani, the most recent last week at 212. That was a blast, btw!

Several people know about me, and they seem okay with it. I have people to talk to about this side of me, a side that I kept well hidden for more than two decades. I feel happier than I ever have in my entire life. I’m beginning to feel that it’s okay for me to be me.

As such, I’ve become more confident in myself, and have gone out in public here in town, something I swore I’d never do. I’ve allowed myself to meet people, though I would love to meet a lot more. It’s so freeing to just be me!

I never thought I would change so much in twelve short months I never thought I would ever let anyone know my truest self. I know I still have a long road ahead of me, but I’m glad I’m no longer alone. I can’t wait to see where 2017 takes me. For the first time in my life, I feel happy, and that’s the best thing I can say has ever happened to me.

I wish you all a very Happy 2017, and thanks for reading!


Hit on me

14380031_1820764894825556_4160875774869280156_oI was hit on in a Walmart parking lot two Saturdays ago! I dressed up to go out to The 212 Club, which I’m increasing finding abhorrent, but that’s a topic for another time, when I decided I had had enough. We decided to leave but wasn’t quite ready to go back to the apartment. I asked my friend if she needed anything, and so we went to the Walmart on Amarillo Blvd.

It was uneventful, for the most part. We walked around, and I took the opportunity, since I dressed as Stef and it was late and the store was relatively empty, to look at clothes. We spent maybe half an hour looking at t-shirts and yoga pants before checking out and heading to the car.

I had just stepped into my car and started to back out when someone parked beside me and waved me down. Thinking I had left a bag on the roof of my car, I drove back into the parking spot, got out, and checked to see if there was something I forgot. Seeing nothing, I turned and looked inquiringly at the the guy who flagged me down. He was a skivvy looking man, with a handful of bills. He said he had noticed me walking around and the asked for my name. He had to repeat himself when I asked what he had said, thinking I must have misunderstood him.

I was stuck dumb. I stood there for a moment, mouth agape, in stock at what had happened. I’ve never been hit on. No man or woman has ever given me the time of day, so I admit that I didn’t know how to handle it. I came out of my shock and immediately got into my car and locked the door. The man, angry at my rejection, backed out and raced out of the parking lot. I waited to see where he was headed so I could leave. My friend beside me thought it was amusing and laughed at my discomfort.

Had it been a decent looking man instead of someone who looked as though they were using drugs, I may have played along. I’m not above wanting the attention of another man. I’m single and available, and though I would prefer a woman, sometimes I think having a boyfriend would be nice.

I don’t know if I’ll ever have an opportunity like that again, but I kind of hope I will. I would prefer it to be a clean cut man, with pride enough to have a job and enough money to take care of himself. I’m not asking for some Greek Adonis, a god in stature, though I wouldn’t say no to it, lol. My biggest fear is contracting some terrible disease from someone. Though the hysteria of the late 80’s and 90’s has subsided, HIV and AIDS is still a grim reality, and one I want to avoid. Am I being paranoid?

I don’t think so.

Coworker asked me…

I was at work today, and my coworker asked me why I didn’t have a girlfriend yet. “You’re a good looking guy,” she added. I made some lame joke about having an ugly personality, which she quickly dismissed. So why am I still single?

The truth is I don’t want to be. Of course, I want someone to share my life with.  It get lonely at night. It gets lonely not having someone to talk to, to share my life. But it isn’t so simple. It never is, especially for me.

I’ve been open with the few women in my life about this side of me. I don’t feel right being with someone and hiding who I am, even if I’m not actively living as a crossdresser. It’s part of me, it defines me, it’s who I am. After the past two breakups almost destroyed me, in a very literal sense, I left trying to put back the pieces of my life. Should I even include another woman in my life?

It scares me, because with every new person who I let in, there’s a very real chance that my secret will be let out. My ex’s family found out about it because of my blabby ex-wife. I lied and said it was a phase that I went through in college, wept openly, and nothing was ever said again, but the damage was done.

I guess the answer to my coworkers question comes down to one word: trust. I need to trust that whomever I let into my life won’t lie and cheat on me. I need to trust that she will keep my secrets, as I will keep hers. She needs to be on my side. And most importantly, she needs to realize that being with me is a 100% commitment. There are no going out all night to bars and having other guys buy her drinks. If I’m not good enough to go out with her in public, she’s not good enough for me.

And of course, she will have to accept Stefani. I may not let my femme out all that often, but when she wants out, she cannot be denied.

So perhaps I’m destined for a life of celibacy and chastity after all.