Tag Archive | Nonbinary

Losing the thrill

img_20180908_221221_178I no longer feel the need to post as often as I used to. I guess it’s a bit of a win, though I confess that it makes me a little sad. The divide between my two halves, the male and the female, has lessened and has become my new normal. I no longer fear people finding out about me. I have become me.

The funny thing is I don’t feel the pull of being Stefani as I once did. I would look forward to the day I could steal a few hours out of the week to hide out at my friend’s place, dress up, even if I had no place to go. Dressing up was the destination. It was exhilarating!

Then came the moment I left the apartment for the first time. It was for a late night drive, but I was terrified. I just knew I would be found out. I wasn’t, but it was still a huge step. Then came the first time I stepped out in public, at Club 212 in Amarillo, a gay club, so we could see the drag show. Terrifying and exhilarating.

Each step was met with a feeling of dread, then excitement, then the eventual normative state. Each time the high was less thrilling, the excitement less so, the dread not as dreadful. I feel as though I was losing a part of the reason why I was dressing up. Being Stefani was less because it was thrilling. I became Stefani because that was who I was, who I am.

I came to visit a friend this weekend. I drove up here in boy mode, as I could be a little more comfortable. I’ve gone back and forth the whole weekend, depending of the situation. Went to a waterpark and it was more convenient to be in boy mode. The same night we went to Choctaw Casino. I went as Stefani. The compulsion to be one or the other is not as pronounced now. I have reached equilibrium.

It’s just funny that coming to this understanding and acceptance came at a cost. The fear of being discovered came with excitement. It fueled my desire. The thrill of being rejected also gave me a rush of adrenaline. The most I feel is a bit of trepidation whenever I step out of the car. It passes almost instantly. I’m largely invisible now. Just another nobody in the ocean of the public, bobbing along, trying to keep my head afloat.

 

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