Tag Archive | Nonbinary

No time for me

img_20180921_185953I’m nearing the end of a week-long overnight work week and I’m feeling the strain. As a department supervisor, I have to go overnight to do some organizing in my department, something we do twice a year, once at the beginning of the spring season, and after summer ends. It’s a glorious task!

I’m kidding. It’s exhausting. Some supervisors only had to do two or three nights, but since I’m in one of the main departments, hardware, I have an entire week. I’m still not going to get done with everything. There’s that much to work!

So while I’m working the night shift, I don’t have much time for myself. My sleep is out of sync, and it’s getting to me. I’m not cranky or anything, but I’m just really tired. I don’t have the energy to do anything other than lie in bed and stare into the void. Or my phone.

Honestly though, I haven’t really taken any me time lately. I usually take my days off for myself, but my last day off didn’t really pan out as I had a friend who needed attention. Afterward, I decided to see my parents. I don’t go visit them as often as I should.

This coming weekend isn’t looking good either. I’m planning on going to the WT homecoming game as it’ll be the last one at Kimbrough Stadium. I have a lot of memories there. I was in the marching band back in my college days. As much as a new stadium is needed, it’s still a little bittersweet. I’ll be my last trip there as a college stadium.

Sunday, my parents are supposed to be coming to visit. I complained a bit that they never visit me in Amarillo. They go to Lubbock and Muleshoe to visit my other siblings, but never me. I don’t mind most of the time, but it would be nice for them to take time to remember me. I’m sounding too much like a whining brat, so I should leave it.

All the same, this weekend doesn’t look good for me. I do have next Tuesday off, so I’m sure I’ll make the most of that. I’ll probably end up getting caught up on my cleaning. So even if it is a Stefani day, it’ll be a shorts and tshirt day.

That seems to be my usual outfit these days. I used to get all dressed up, even if I was just going to stay in. Now I don’t bother unless I’m heading out, which is such a hassle. Showering, shaving, dressing, doing makeup, it’s such an ordeal. I love the end result, and I feel great, but it’s so time consuming.

Right now, though, I have to make it until Saturday morning. I may try to sneak a few hours for myself this weekend. I do miss the freedom to be myself. I envy those who have the courage to go all in and transition, but at the moment that’s not in the cards. I’ll have to make do with the precious few hours I do have. One day that may change. I can only hope.

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Losing the thrill

img_20180908_221221_178I no longer feel the need to post as often as I used to. I guess it’s a bit of a win, though I confess that it makes me a little sad. The divide between my two halves, the male and the female, has lessened and has become my new normal. I no longer fear people finding out about me. I have become me.

The funny thing is I don’t feel the pull of being Stefani as I once did. I would look forward to the day I could steal a few hours out of the week to hide out at my friend’s place, dress up, even if I had no place to go. Dressing up was the destination. It was exhilarating!

Then came the moment I left the apartment for the first time. It was for a late night drive, but I was terrified. I just knew I would be found out. I wasn’t, but it was still a huge step. Then came the first time I stepped out in public, at Club 212 in Amarillo, a gay club, so we could see the drag show. Terrifying and exhilarating.

Each step was met with a feeling of dread, then excitement, then the eventual normative state. Each time the high was less thrilling, the excitement less so, the dread not as dreadful. I feel as though I was losing a part of the reason why I was dressing up. Being Stefani was less because it was thrilling. I became Stefani because that was who I was, who I am.

I came to visit a friend this weekend. I drove up here in boy mode, as I could be a little more comfortable. I’ve gone back and forth the whole weekend, depending of the situation. Went to a waterpark and it was more convenient to be in boy mode. The same night we went to Choctaw Casino. I went as Stefani. The compulsion to be one or the other is not as pronounced now. I have reached equilibrium.

It’s just funny that coming to this understanding and acceptance came at a cost. The fear of being discovered came with excitement. It fueled my desire. The thrill of being rejected also gave me a rush of adrenaline. The most I feel is a bit of trepidation whenever I step out of the car. It passes almost instantly. I’m largely invisible now. Just another nobody in the ocean of the public, bobbing along, trying to keep my head afloat.