Tag Archive | Friends

I made a friend

IMG_20180520_160255_877.jpgWent to the bar a couple of weeks ago with a friend. That in itself is not remarkable. Though we haven’t gone lately, we will occasionally go to get out, have a couple of drinks, and maybe play some pool. By the way, I totally kicked my friends butt that night. The last time we went, however, I was not as fortunate.

But this is not about our last outing, but the one before that, the night I came out the winner. Starting out, we were asked to show our ID’s even before we stepped into the bar. That usually doesn’t happen, so I was taken aback, more so because my ID does not match my gender. Reluctantly, I pulled my license out, waiting to be called out. All that the bouncer said was that I looked good for 42.

With that, we began the evening, getting a bucket of beers, and playing a few games. Across from out pool table sat a couple, a man and woman, who seemed to be enjoying the night out as well. They were talkative, and my friend Jessica was happily interacting with them, but I less so. I hate talking because more than anything, my voice outs me. I hate my voice!

We continued to play, and the couple across from us continued to visit with those around them, including us from time to time. The man was making me a little nervous, but I ignored him as much as I could, and concentrated on the game. Soon, we were out of quarters, and I was ready to finish that last of my beer, and head home. The couple across from us had other plans.

They invited us to join them, which Jessica was keen on accepting. I followed, afraid of being rejected, or worse attacked, as sat down at their table. With introductions out of the way, the man turned to me and asked if I was trans. Feeling as though the jig was up, I admitted I was. What came next nearly left me speechless. He confessed he was a trans man. I never could have guessed that in a million years!

After that revelation, I was a little more receptive to a conversation, he talking about his journey, and me sharing mine. For him, he feels as though he is obviously a woman living as a man, while I feel the opposite, a man trying to live as a woman. In his case, he feels obvious, though of course that’s his own insecurities manifesting. He is not obviously trans. He looks and acts like a cis male.

How much of the struggle to fit in, therefore, is an internal struggle? How much of it is our own insecurities? For me, I know getting on hormones would help, as much as being on hormones helps him, but a lot of passing is partly being confident in living our true gender.

For him, he’s living life as the man he is, with a woman he loves. I’m still living part time, whenever I can spare the time to be me. The thing is, the trans experience is valid for both of us. He transitioned, I have not. Some people go all the way, hormones, top and bottom surgery, or maybe just top surgery. Some never get on hormones, some never accept being trans.

Acceptance begins with yourself. For me it began when I accepted who I was. It was helped by the scores of friends who have accepted me, who have cared for me, who have loved me. It’s an ongoing journey, a journey of discovery and learning to live being true to myself.

I have had few negative experiences going out as Stefani, and so many positive experiences. That night at the 6th Street  Saloon was one of positive experiences, one where I met some new friends. I just have to remember to give others a chance.

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Get away

15800351_1871620909739954_751089145125419329_oJanuary is almost half over, and I haven’t even posted anything! What the hell is wrong with me?! Maybe I should be forgiven since I haven’t had anything to share. Frankly, I still have nothing to share. The best I have is that I’m still ticking. Yay me!

I haven’t had too much Stefani time lately. I feel that’s too often the case. Work is taking up so much time and energy, that all I want to do is go home and crawl into bed. Couple that with the drive to and from work, a two-hour round trip, the inability to dress up at home, and the limited places I have to go out, then you can see that dressing up is a bit difficult.

I did manage to go out for dinner about a week ago. Yes I, Stefani, went out in public, to a restaurant, and had dinner. Italian food, downtown Amarillo, at a place called Napoli’s. My friend came with me, and we had a quiet dinner. The staff was great, the food superb, but my nerves were still a little frayed. It’s not easy going out in town.

The good news is that I have a vacation coming up next month. Towards the end of February, my friend Amy and I are heading to Georgia to meet a couple of friends. I haven’t had the pleasure of meeting them personally yet, but Amy has. I was supposed to meet them back in 2011, but circumstances  conspired against me. Now, over five years later, I have that chance again.

They don’t know about Stefani, so I won’t dress up there, but we’re planning of taking a detour through New Orleans. I’ll probably spend the drive to New Orleans and back to DFW as Stefani. We’ll probably spend a night or two there. I plan to spend the whole time there as Stef.  I may dress up for the drive to Georgia as well and change before we get to our friends. Haven’t made up my mind.

It’s been growing on my mind that I need an adventure. This is my first opportunity in ages to venture out and do something new. As exciting as going out as Stef was at first, it’s not quite the same. I want to do more now. I want to spend days, even weeks as myself. I don’t want to hide it. Maybe a change is on the way.

I don’t know, but what I do know is that my soul needs some time to rest. I would like to find some peace in my life. I would like to find someone to love me, and more over, someone who might actually want me, and want to be with me. I want a soulmate, not a fleeting, vacuous moment.

I’m looking forward to next month. As great as my life has become as of late, I do need to get away, reevaluate my life, and where I want to go. I’m becoming aware just how short life truly is. I’m running out of time. The time is now.

Looking back – 2016

img_20161221_2317061I can’t believe another year has come and gone. It’s amazing just how quickly the years fly by. The older I get, the quicker time seems to pass. It’s not a new phenomena. We all repeat the common refrain this time of year, I can’t believe how fast time flies by!

This past year, I met a fellow crossdresser for dinner for the first time. That was a huge step for me. No one had ever met me as Stefani, except for my two closest friends. I was nervous, but it went well, and we’ve met one other time. I’m still hoping for a third dinner date, *fingers crossed*!

I took my first trip as Stefani this past summer, checking in to a hotel as spending the entire time en femme. We went out, did some shopping, had lunch at an Olive Garden, and went to the museum and the Botanical Gardens. I was so nervous, but I had such a great time. I hoping for more such trips!

This is also the year that I’ve let more people into my secret. I told another woman, one whom I hold in high regard, and honestly have a thing for, and she accepted me. Yay! She’s even met me a couple of times as Stefani, the most recent last week at 212. That was a blast, btw!

Several people know about me, and they seem okay with it. I have people to talk to about this side of me, a side that I kept well hidden for more than two decades. I feel happier than I ever have in my entire life. I’m beginning to feel that it’s okay for me to be me.

As such, I’ve become more confident in myself, and have gone out in public here in town, something I swore I’d never do. I’ve allowed myself to meet people, though I would love to meet a lot more. It’s so freeing to just be me!

I never thought I would change so much in twelve short months I never thought I would ever let anyone know my truest self. I know I still have a long road ahead of me, but I’m glad I’m no longer alone. I can’t wait to see where 2017 takes me. For the first time in my life, I feel happy, and that’s the best thing I can say has ever happened to me.

I wish you all a very Happy 2017, and thanks for reading!

 

Clubbing plans

0539cd1cc6a401270e0b416536677547291df9-v5-wmI’m planning on a girls night out come Saturday night. The only question is will it actually happen? I really hope so. My coworker, then one I spoke of on my previous blog, has been saying we need to go to Club 212 this weekend, and I agree. It feels good to have someone else in on my secret.

So, tomorrow after work, me and by friend are planning on going to do a bit of shopping. A girl needs clothes, after all. I think I’ll go with something on the casual side, maybe a little metal and a little grunge, but keeping with my demure style, as my friend calls my usual mode of dress. I call it secretary-chic, but to each their own.

I’ll try to see if my coworker want to have lunch tomorrow. We have yet to have a chance to talk, and I really want to, before we go out to the club. I want a nice, quite place where we can talk in peace. I know she has questions, and I want to answer them for her. I have precious few people with whom I can talk to freely about this. So far, I only have my two best friends, a friend in DFW, and a crossdresser in town that wants to remain anonymous. I’m trying to keep my identity a secret, but to do so, I would have to disengage from the internet, and I’m not willing to do that. I refuse to hide ever again!

 

Feeling the itch

IMG_20160415_205021.jpgI’ve been neglecting my blog for too long. I feel bad about it. It’s been a great way to put myself out there without the risk of being in pubic. But lately, I’ve been getting the itch to actually step outside my comfort zone. I want to go out, have fun, be myself. Yes, I’ve gone out for a drive a few times. Yes, drove to Dallas en femme last month, and yes I did manage to go shopping once, but it’s not enough.

I had dinner with another TG friend of mine that lives in town, and what happens is that I go over in boy mode, dress there, and then we have dinner, talk, and sip some wine. It’s pleasant to be open with someone. It’s not often I get to be myself. There with her, I get to be Stef, and it’s a liberating experience. I absolutely love it!

After dinner last week – or was it two weeks ago? – I decided not to change back, but to walk to my car and drive to my friend’s place. I’ve noticed that I’m not as nervous about it, though I’m still cautious. While I was leaving, I ended up driving by a gay club, 212 in downtown. Now I’m working up the courage to go there.

I may have to try it out first in guy mode. I’ve never been there, and I’m not big on going out to clubs to begin with, but I want to go out, and I need a safe place to do so. If I think it’s safe, I want to go there as Stefani. I know it’ll probably take me a while to relax, but I think it would be exhilarating. I really need to do it. I can’t survive only within the confines of my friend’s apartment.