Tag Archive | Family

Family drama

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I’ve been seriously stressed out lately. Since telling my parents, I thought things were going okay. I wasn’t making plans on showing up as Stef any time soon, but I thought there was some acceptance there. Even when my sister found out and turned on me, I thought maybe I wouldn’t be so alone. I was wrong.

About a month ago, my mother told me I needed to go home because they needed to talk to me. Nothing gets me more anxious than someone telling me that we need to talk, but I went, needing to get it over with. It was as bad as I feared.

My sister, it seems, has been crying about this to my parents. She claims she fears that I’m going to suddenly show up as Stefani to family events, and is saying she doesn’t think she’s going to a family reunion because of it. The more my parents spoke, the angrier I got.

In the end, my parents said that how I lived my life was my business, but they didn’t want to know. They don’t want me to come around as Stefani, nor do they want to see pictures. If, as they said, I decide to go the Caitlyn Jenner route, they couldn’t support me. They love me, they claimed, but they can’t go against their religious beliefs.

And people wonder why so many in the LGBT community turn our backs on the christian community!

They told me I needed to talk to my sister, and tell my last remaining brother. It took me a week, but I contacted my sister. All it was was an opportunity for my sister to attack me. “What, are you going to date guys now?” or “And you think you’re happy dressing up with dresses and fake boobs and makeup?” She was using her training in social work to put me in a defensive position. I never felt such venom!

It’s been almost two weeks since that conversation, and I’m still on edge. My stress has spiked, I feel as though my heart just wants to beat out of my chest. I go to sleep wondering if I’m going to have a heart attack and die alone in the middle of the night. Part of me welcomes death. I just don’t want to deal with this shit anymore.

But I’m still here, living my life. My sister is not really a part of my life, and never has. I never liked her. The judgment and the hypocrisy she espouses keeps me at bay. She presents herself like a typical Christian, posting religious nonsense, pretending to be holy, but seething with hate. I have enough to deal with.

Part of me wants to be done with my family. I have friends, very good friends, who love me for me. They don’t care if I’m Joe or Stefani. They don’t care if I’m gay or straight. They don’t care about nothing except that I’m being honest about who I am. My family, it seems, doesn’t love me as unconditional as they claim.

So I’m stressed out. I’m wondering about myself, who I am, and where I’m headed. Why does my future hold? Will I transition or not? Do I have the strength to live my life without my family? I put off telling them because I was afraid they would disown me. Turns out, I had every reason to be afraid.

This is what it is to live my life. I feel trapped in limbo, not able to breath, not able to live my life. I don’t have the energy to do anything at this point. Breathing feels like it takes too much out of me, but I have to go about my business, pretending to be okay.

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Discovered!

IMG_20160603_210251I got a text from my ex-wife yesterday evening telling me that we needed to text later. I hate it when people do that, by the way. “We need to talk,” is rarely met with good news. I text her back asking what was wrong, and she replied that it wasn’t anything bad. “…it’s actually a good thing.”

I finally managed to cajole the news out of her. My step-daughter was playing on my ex’s phone, got on Facebook, and saw my Stefani profile popup under people she might now. She said “…that looks like a dude cuz of his eyebrows…she needs to shape them and thin them out….” My ex-wife proceeded to tell her that Stefani was in fact me, her step-father. She was okay with it.

I haven’t had a chance to actually talk to my step-daughter, but I’m still processing what it means. If she’s in fact okay with it, then does that mean she’ll get to meet Stefani? Will she want to? Will my ex-wife allow it? Will my ex-wife want to meet Stef?

My emotions are all over the place. On the one hand, there’s one less person I have to worry about keeping the secret from, but that also means there’s one more person who can accidentally out me. I wondered out loud to a friend how long I could keep me a secret. Stefani’s grown and is kind of taking over. It’s exciting and frightening!

Maybe this will lead to a better relationship with my step-daughter. I can only hope it won’t lead to a greater estrangement. Only time will tell, I suppose, but that’s one less person I have to hide from. I’m guessing I’ll have to come out sooner or later. When I do, I fear I will lose my family altogether, but again we’ll see.