Tag Archive | En Femme

Creepers

20151017_202814The one thing that still boggles my mind is the persistence and the abject perversity of the male gender, and as I live as a man most of the time, I find this repellent. I don’t know how women deal with it on a daily basis! If I’ve ever crossed that line from cordial to creepy, I apologize. I still struggle at times with how to deal with it. My male ego never has had to put up with this level of sliminess, and I know I’ve barely grazed the crazy.

I guess I should tell the story. I have a Flickr account where I post all my photos. Most are in good taste, but there are a few that cross the line a bit. I don’t post nudes or anything too risque, but I do try to look good and hopefully sexy, and by the comments I get, I do. Some of the comments are innocent enough, and some are a little distasteful. I can deal. I appreciate the validation and it’s a tremendous boost to the ego.

But there was one guy that seemed determined to push the envelope. He made it a practice to like most of my pictures, but it was his comments that began to creep me out. At first it was the innocent “beautiful” but that quickly devolved to sexual innuendos and blatant harassment. The final straw, at least for him, was when he started commenting what he wanted me to wear in bed with him.

I may have thanked him a couple of times in the beginning, but I never truly engaged him in actual conversation. Something about the way he commented prevented me from it. Sometimes people give off vibes, even from across the virtual wasteland of the internet. He definitely gave off creeper vibes. He felt stalkerish. I blocked him.

I know it’s to be expected, but I suppose I was ill-prepared for it. As a man, I’m invisible, I’m rarely bothered by anyone, and no one has ever complimented me on my looks, other than older, matronly types. Young single women can’t be bothered with a weirdo like me, and they don’t know about Stefani! Imagine the amount of rejection I’d get then!

But as Stefani I’m not ignored. I post a picture and it’s liked by dozens, if not hundreds of people, mostly on Facebook. I’m bombarded with friend requests, most that I delete if it’s from a man, and I get more than my fair share of messages. I sometimes respond, but again I ignore most if they come from men. I try to reply to other transgender and ciswomen, but I’m such a horrible conversationalist. I should try harder.

I know the ultimate solution is to delete everything and pretend I don’t exist. That’s not a viable option. I enjoy having an outlet where I can express my feminine side. I enjoy the attention, for the most part, and I deal with the negative aspects a best I can. I have to say that I do admire those who have transitioned are have begun to transition. I don’t know how you deal, but you have my respect. For you women who have dealt with it your whole life, I’ve grown to have a new found respect for you, too, and I haven’t even lived the worst of it, yet!

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Looking forward

0517ed60af8bf43586449cb8c93679e18131e9-wmMea culpa! I haven’t been on in so long. I have no defense to offer you other than some lame excuse of being so busy in my real life. It’s pathetic, to be honest. I’ll try to be a better hostess and at least write once a week, both for you and also as a salve for my own soul. I need an outlet to just be me. I’ve missed that lately.

So what have I been doing that has kept me so distracted? I’m just trying to survive at work. There’s been a lot of craziness with new supervisors, a new store manager, and it looks like I may have a chance to move up myself! I haven’t offered a lot of details about my everyday life as a male. I work at a home improvement center mixing paint. It’s so exciting! Okay, it really isn’t, but it’s a job, and having been unemployed for a year, from 2012-13, I’m loath just to give it up.

I’ve worked retail much of my adult life. I’ve worked my way up to supervisory positions, going so far as to become a salaried assistant manager at a huge national retailer. I’ve put in the hard work, I earned the experience and knowledge, hell I even went back and earned my Bachelors, but that hasn’t helped me one iota. It’s all about kissing up, at least it has with my past two store directors. This one seems to care about productivity, and I’m putting in an effort to prove myself. I’m tired of working hard for so little. I deserve more!

The reason this is important to me is so that I can earn enough money to move out on my own. As much as I love living with family, there’s something disempowering about being a person in their late thirties – almost forty, ouch! – and living with mommy and daddy. I worked so hard to be on my own, got married and within a year I lost my wife, my house, my job, and even my car. I lost a lifetime. It’s taking me years just to get back to this!

So I want to move out on my own. I want to have the freedom to let me, Stefani Lara, out again. I want the freedom to sit in my living room, in a pretty dress or skirt, or even in a pair of exercise shorts or yoga pants, anything feminine, anything that lets me relax. I don’t have that know.

The closest I got lately was putting on a pair of panties and pantyhose under my male clothes as I drove down to the Dallas area this past weekend. It felt good, even if I had to do it under cover of my clothes. I could indulge myself for a while, enjoying the feel of knowing I could be Stefani to myself, though I had to show otherwise to the world.

That’s okay, for now. My hope is to move up and have my own place by the end of fall. I hope to translate that to a move down to DFW within a reasonable time frame. I think I’ll have more freedom to explore my femme side than I have up in the Panhandle of Texas. That is my plan. I just hope I can make it happen, the sooner the better.