Loving me

20180304_142016.jpgI escaped the confines of my apartment, drove two hours to Lubbock, all to meet up with a group of writers. So here I am, sitting here in a coffee shop, playing on my laptop. Isn’t this exciting!

I’m working on a novel, which I’ve been working on for years, and I’m still working on it. The rough draft is done. So is the second draft. And the third. I think I’m going crazy chasing perfection. I’ll never get there. I just want to get to adequate. I’ll be happy with that.

So, like I say, I’m here in Lubbock, with a group that met me as Joe. One of the writers here has already met me as Stef, but two more now know. It’s interesting to me to see how people react. So far, I have yet to run into anyone who has an issue with me. At least I think I haven’t. If they do, they haven’t voice it.

Living my life is so much better. I feel happier, more at peace with who I am. It’s amazing how much freer I feel just because I’ve stopped fighting with myself. I no longer waste energy denying who I am. I’ve let go of a lot of anger because I no longer have to hide the essence of me.

I still feel depressed at times, but my anxiety has gone down. I get down, but I’m not as sad as I was even a year ago. Moving out on my own again helped. Finding people who accepted me and pushed me to be me led me out into the open.

So being able to meet with friends is such a joy. Being able to feel the open air is a gift. Knowing that I have family and friends who accept me gives me peace of mind. I no longer fear for my fear is baseless. I only wish I would have had the courage to come out twenty years ago. Coming out in middle age comes with its own set of struggles, but I suppose that’s not unique to my age.

There are people who consider people like me sick, that we have some mental issues. Being transgender does not affect our mental health, but being ostracized does. Being rejected negatively impacts us. Living in fear has a huge impact on anxiety.

Finding love and acceptance has minimized my depression. I no longer want to die. There have been times when I actively thought about my own death, sometimes wishing I had the courage to kill myself. Does that shock you?

Those thoughts aren’t as prevalent anymore. If you feel as though you’re not accepted, find people who do. If you are hated, find people who love. If you can’t be yourself, find a space where you can express yourself without judgement. It’s amazing how much better you will feel.

And if you see people struggling with their gender, or their sexuality, show them respect, give them love. Affirm who they are without comment, without judgement. Be the friend, the family member, they need. It’s a struggle to come to accept yourself when you see yourself as outside of mainstream. It takes a lot of courage to come out and say “I am…!”

I am transgender, and I’m proud of who I am. Yeah, I sometimes wish I was born normal, whatever the hell that means, but being me doesn’t make me abnormal. I love me, and that is such a change of who I used to be.

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Found out

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That was a complete disaster. About a week ago, my sister ran across the picture on this post on Instagram. Not my Stefani Instagram, but my Joe account. Naturally, she was shocked by it. My brother was the one who text me and told me I needed to talk to her, which I tried.

I sent her a text seeing if she wanted to talk about it. She didn’t. We exchanged a few texts but it was clear she didn’t want to talk, and frankly she’s so pig-headed that I decided to let it go for the time being, and let my brother know what was going on.

It wasn’t until last night that I wondered why I wasn’t seeing anything of hers on Facebook. I searched for her and discovered she had unfriended me. She also blocked me on Instagram. I couldn’t believe it!

I’ve yet to confront her. I see no point in antagonizing her. She has always been a spoiled, self-centered woman, wrapping herself in an oh-so-Christian attire. Half her posts are about going to this mass or retreats. It’s easy to see why I have an issue with going to church. Nothing but judgment from those who call themselves religious!

I talked to my cousin a bit, and she’s upset. My brother couldn’t believe it either. Haven’t talked to my parents about it yet, but I will eventually. I’m not so irritated. I was telling everyone that I was okay, not really bothered, but I was close to having an anxiety attack over it. I had to concentrate on keeping calm last night until it passed.

I don’t know what to do about it, if anything. Maybe it will pass, but like I said, she’s extremely pig-headed, and I have no intention of apologizing for being who I am. If she doesn’t like it, I don’t need her in my life. She doesn’t contribute a damn thing to my existence. Blood may be blood, but my friends have shown themselves to be my biggest supporters.

Had I worked up the courage to tell her first, maybe she wouldn’t have reacted this way, but I kind of doubt it. She was the one I felt would give me the most trouble about it, having been the only sister with five brothers. I want to just let it go, but I’m honestly fucking angry at her. Truly angry.

And now, I can’t help but wonder if I’ll lose any other siblings to this.

Authentic

20180108_232910-1.jpgMy life has been a series of small steps that led me to this point. I started this blog back in 2013 – check my first post here – and it’s been one small step after another for the past four years. I never thought I would be where I am now, living out in the open!

I’m not yet living full time. I’m not at that point in my life, and I can’t say with any certainty whether I will or I won’t. What I can say is that I’ve found some peace. I found that I can be happy. I discovered that I don’t need anyone to define who I am. Happiness isn’t dependant on anyone else.

So this is what my life is like at the moment. On most days I live my life as a man. I go to work, spend my time there as such. I’ve wondered what it would be like to go as Stef, to integrate that part of myself into my professional life, but it would be an unwanted distraction. Until I commit myself to transitioning, I will have to content myself to this duality.

When I get out of work, depending on the time, I may change clothes. I scrape off the masculine and put on the feminine. A lot of what I do is only exterior, but it’s a matter of matching what I wear to what I feel on the inside. The masks I wear have begun to blur. When I first started the journey, it felt as though Stef was the mask, but I’ve recently came to the conclusion that it’s not the case. It’s too simplistic an explanation.

The masculine and the feminine clothes I own and wear are costumes, extensions of societal expectations. What I feel is deeper than clothing, or jewelry, or makeup. I feel, I am, female at heart. Even when I was denying myself the experience of being Stef, I knew intrinsically that I was a woman. I was bitter about being male. I knew my life would have been better had I been a woman, because in my mind I was a woman, even if my biological body betrayed that fact.

So I live my everyday life in accordance to what my body tells me to live, even if I suffer a spiritual and emotional discordance from it. People know me as male, so I plod along as such, and I’ve grown adept at it. No one who I haven’t told has ever suspected that I harbor such a secret. Scandalous!

It’s after work, like I said before, or on my days off, that I can come out and shine. I no longer feel the need to do my makeup to feel feminine, though I’ll admit that it helps. I don’t have to put on skirts are dresses, or anything sexy. That’s not really my style. A pair of jeans and a comfy blouse is all I need.

I run errands this way now. I go shopping, go out for a drink at my local watering hole. I meet friends and live my personal life as my preferred gender, or maybe my actual gender. I spend more time onlife as Stef. I’ve grown comfortable as such. It’s a pleasant experience to be me.

I’ve gone from pretending I don’t exist, and being miserable, to allowing myself to be me and being happy. As my circle of confidants have grown, my has confidence has grown exponentially. I’ve discovered that I have more supporters in my friends than I could have ever imagined. My family has not abandoned me, which was my biggest worry.

As for my family, they haven’t met Stef, but I no longer fear it. It’s not time yet, but I can’t wait for them to see me for who I am. I know it will be a shock for them to actually see me this way. Though I have told them, I think there’s still a bit of disbelief in their minds.

So that’s where I am now, further along than I could have ever believed possible. Even though I say I can’t say with any certainty what I’m going to do, I feel as though I do what to proceed in my journey.

I dream of the day when I start to exhibit more feminine features. I dream of the day when I can live full time as myself. I want the experience of being a woman, both the good and the bad. I have no illusions that it will be all sunshine and rainbows. Even in my limited experience as Stef, I have witnessed some mild forms of misogyny. It’s unfortunate but expected. It’d be a small price to pay to live authentically.

The unexpected truths of my coming out

20180114_170537.jpgI won’t lie to you and say that coming out has been easy. It’s been a hard endeavor, terrifying and seemingly impossible. Every moment left me feeling lonely and afraid. Every person I tell is a potential rejection, and rejection is something I’m not very good at dealing with.

So far it’s been better than expected. Every friend I have told has supported me. Every family member I have come out to has not abandoned me. No one understands it. Who can understand the journey of discovery those of us in the transgender community have to undertake? I’m in the middle of my journey and I don’t understand it!

The truth here is that I’ve been extremely fortunately so far. I can’t help wonder when I’ll come face to face to someone unwilling to accept me for who I am. It’s bound to happen. I don’t stress it too much, because I can’t stress over every little possibility, but it does flit into my mind when I steel myself to tell someone else.

Where I am now is coming to terms with this new reality. I’ve told two of my siblings and now my parents. Though I still have a three siblings yet to tell, the two people I feared telling the most now know. My parents still love me. They still accept me. They don’t like it, but they accept me.

Now I’m free to decide whether or not I want to transition. That’s huge! It’s been on my mind, but I can think about that without fear of losing my family. So many aren’t that fortunate. Many lose that support. I don’t deserve to be this lucky. No one deserves to be so unlucky as to lose their family.

I don’t know what to do. All I know is that I’m freer to explore my options. I can now decide if I want to become Stefani full time. I feel as though I’d like that sometimes. Other days I feel otherwise. Is that normal?

I’m not going to rush into things. At 41, I think I’ve proven that I dont rush into things. What I’ve come to realize lately is that I don’t want the added pressure of being in a romantic relationship. My desire for one caused me to lose a close friend. A recent sexual encounter left me wondering if I even want to pursue a woman.

Months ago, I was complaining my lack of success in finding a woman to date. A friend asked me if I was even trying to find a girlfriend. Her question offended me, but the truth of the matter is that I’m wasn’t. I’m not. I’m willing to find myself in a relationship, but I never really tried to pursue a relationship. I never really tried to pursue a sexual relationship. They usually just happen.

Coming to terms with my gender is forcing me to engage my sexuality as well. My attraction it towards females, but the idea of dating a man isn’t as terrifying as it was, even a recently as two weeks ago, the day I came out to my parents. I want a woman, but I also want a man. It’s confusing enough dealing with my own gender identity without throwing that into the mix. Straight? Gay? Lesbian? Bi? Fuck if I know!

So for now, I’ll deal with my new reality. One day I’ll introduce my family to me as Stefani. One day I’ll decide whether or not I want to get on hormones and transition. I want breasts, and more feminine features. I want hips, softer and smoother skin. And yes, there’s part of me that wants a vagina rather than a penis. I want to be a woman. I’ve always felt my life would have been more my own had I been born female.

I wish it was so easy, to become who I want to be is to simply wish to be. To be a woman, I only have to wish to become one. Instead my journey into womanhood would be invasive and costly. Would it be worth it? I think it would I just need to decide to do it. Then I’ll have to figure out how to finance it.

The joys of being trans!

Telling my parents

I came out to my parents a couple of weeks ago. Again, I came out to my parents. I will admit that it was a difficult experience to go through, something that made me really emotional, but overall, it was a positive experience. My secret is out.

I made a video, so I won’t say much here, but I feel great. It’s taken me a few weeks to kind of wrap my mind around the fact that I’m no longer living a secret. I still have a few people to tell, but the main hurdle has been cleared!

The Year of Stefani

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February 2017

Is it time for the 2017 retrospective yet? We still have a ways to go, but in the closing month of the year, I can’t help but look back a bit. I started the year afraid of going out anywhere, and I ended up going to my company Christmas party last week.

I have come out to many people, everyone I work with, essentially, and a couple of family members. I came out to a friend I met in college, a priest, someone who promised to remain at my side, to support me. I began meeting with a spiritual advisor. I went to Georgia, and I’m going again next week, this time all week as Stef.

I went from being scared to becoming bold. I went from remaining in the shadows, to coming out into the sun. I went from wanting to remain anonymous to wanting to be known for who I am. This is what 2017 has meant for me.

Going back three years, in 2014, I started dressing up again after more than ten years pretending to be someone I wasn’t. More than ten miserable years lost in anger and confusion, wanting to be a normal man. That didn’t work out.

2011 lost my wife and lost another relationship. 2012, lost my job. 2013 went back to college, got my current job, graduated with my bachelor’s degree, but it wasn’t until December 2014 that things started to come around.

It took time to find my style. I bought clothes, makeup, wigs. I built up a wardrobe, and for the first time ever, I didn’t purge a single thing. I came out to a friend in 2016, someone who accepted me, along with her mother. 2016 began the phase of accepting myself, and 2017 was the next phase,  of accepting that I could come out, that people could accept me. They have.

2017 has been my year, the year of Stefani. I have let myself be seen by so many. I started volunteering as Stefani, something that only lasted a couple of months, and something I wish I hadn’t let go of like I did. I made a few mistakes, as you can see, but I had something to give to the community. Something uniquely mine, and not my male alter ego’s.

I began my YouTube Channel, and though it doesn’t have many viewers, it helps me develop my thoughts as to who I am. I continue writing this blog, mostly as a personal journal as to my own journey, a way to look back and remember where I was, where I am, and where I want to be.

I’m looking forward to 2018 with renewed vigor. Where can I go from here? I have no plans to return into the shadows, or to remain a part time person. I would like to emerge more fully, though fully transitioning is still in question. Do I or don’t I? Some days I feel it so strongly that I must. Other days, I’m a little less certain.

This is what I do know. I am not an alter ego. I am not a character. I may refer to my male and female personas as two separate and individual people, but I have come to realize that I have integrated them into myself. I am both for both make up my singular personality. I may act a certain way depending on how I’m presenting myself, but I am essentially me.

If anything, that’s my biggest take away from 2017. I can’t wait to see what this upcoming year has in store.

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The Party

 

IMG_8rnoct.jpgMy store held our annual Christmas party this past Sunday, and though I really didn’t feel up to it, I went. Sunday was my day off, and I really didn’t want to leave the apartment and drive downtown to the Amarillo Civic Center. But I was hungry, and they were feeding us.

I had dressed up early in the day to go with a friend to see Murder on the Orient Express, a movie I highly recommend, and when I got back to my place, I was loath to go back to Joe mode. I relish the time I have to myself. To exist as my true self.

That’s when I began thinking about maybe just showing up as Stefani. The thought had been in my mind to show up at work, questions be damned, but I thought it inappropriate. That won’t happen until I begin to transition, should I decide that that’s what I should do.

Then the party came up. My day off is my day, the time I spend for me. I want to say I made up my mind to go as Stef, but the truth is I think I was resolved to go. I had no excuses not to.

So I changed into something a little more festive, made sure my makeup was still good. Then I put on my heels and made my way to the party. Only one coworker had any idea I was doing it.

I wasn’t too nervous about it. Most of my coworkers already knew by then, though they hadn’t seen me dressed up yet. I walked in and…

Nothing. Most people didn’t register that I had come in. Those few that did returned their attention to the fajitas on their plate, or the conversations they were having.

I ended up sitting with a couple of friends before getting up to get myself a plate. I was a little self-concious, but I had very little to be concerned about. Several waved excitedly at me, or said hi. Some said I looked pretty. One told me they admired the fact that I was brave enough to be myself, no irony in her voice, by the way.

I spent a lifetime afraid of this moment, and it came and went without any issues. Of course it’s a sign of our times. I don’t claim this as a personal victory. This was made possible by the thousands before me, those courageous souls who sacrificed so much, some even their lives, just so I could go to  party in peace.

So no, I don’t take this for granted. All I speak to is my personal journey, of loosening the reins to my my secret, of slowly coming into my own. I still have a ways to go, but for all the losses I have had, 2017 has been good for me. I can’t wait to see what 2018 has in store.