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Stolen moments

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Showing a little leg? I guess I’m feeling a little frisky, lol! ~Stef~

I had chance to dress up this past Sunday. Felt so good. I almost didn’t, but I had to. I needed some time to dispel the disquiet from my soul. I had a few hours in between my morning shift, leaving at 1:00 p.m., before returning for a store meeting at 8:00 that night, so I took advantage of the free time and got dressed.

I feel as though I haven’t had much time for Stefani lately. Work has been consuming most of my time as of late. Working until midnight leaves me little time to dress up. It leaves me no time to go out. It leaves me anxious to find time to change and be fabulous for a few hours.

All I did was play on my phone and takelt relaxed and recharged after the fact. Taking off the mask and being me, even for a few stolen moments, quelled my anxiety.

I’m looking to go shopping sometime this weekend. One of my workers wants to take me shopping, which I mentioned a few weeks ago. I’m keen on going. I want to see what she thinks will look good on me. I’m also keen to expand my ever-growing wardrobe, which is strange. I’m in dire need of culling a few outfits since they don’t quite fit well. I’m also expanding my casual side, buying cheap t-shirts to wear when I don’t want to glam up too much. It’s nice.

I hope I get a chance to shop this weekend. It’ll be nice if I can. If not, at least I hope to put on something comfortable and go out, even if only for a drive. We’ll see. Tomorrow I’m supposed to meet another girlfriend for lunch, a crossdresser like me. I hope we can find time to actually meet en femme instead of in drab, but I’ll take what I can get. At least I can meet with a kindred spirit from time to time, which is a nice change of pace.

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Boyfriend?

I’m having a I wish a had a boyfriend kind of afternoon. Though I’m attracted to women, I do have monents when a boyfriend would be nice. I guess it’s the girl part of my personality.

Clubbing plans

0539cd1cc6a401270e0b416536677547291df9-v5-wmI’m planning on a girls night out come Saturday night. The only question is will it actually happen? I really hope so. My coworker, then one I spoke of on my previous blog, has been saying we need to go to Club 212 this weekend, and I agree. It feels good to have someone else in on my secret.

So, tomorrow after work, me and by friend are planning on going to do a bit of shopping. A girl needs clothes, after all. I think I’ll go with something on the casual side, maybe a little metal and a little grunge, but keeping with my demure style, as my friend calls my usual mode of dress. I call it secretary-chic, but to each their own.

I’ll try to see if my coworker want to have lunch tomorrow. We have yet to have a chance to talk, and I really want to, before we go out to the club. I want a nice, quite place where we can talk in peace. I know she has questions, and I want to answer them for her. I have precious few people with whom I can talk to freely about this. So far, I only have my two best friends, a friend in DFW, and a crossdresser in town that wants to remain anonymous. I’m trying to keep my identity a secret, but to do so, I would have to disengage from the internet, and I’m not willing to do that. I refuse to hide ever again!

 

Stefani Adventure: OKC

Driving to OKC

Driving down the highway. I-40, to be exact. ~Stef~

I didn’t know if I would have the guts to actually do it. I almost didn’t, chickening out before I got out of work, running later than I had wanted to, but in the end I did. I left work almost an hour late, drove to my friend’s apartment to pack my things, get showered, dressed, and put on my make-up. I drove in as “Steve,” and an hour later Stefani emerged, ready to embark on the my first trip en femme.

That had been my plan from the beginning, to enjoy a full day dressed up, to go out and mingle with the world without, leaving the mask I wear daily, and enjoy the warmth of the sun. I wanted to explore a new city, visit the sites, go shopping, and have lunch. I wanted a day instead of a few stolen hours. I wanted to know what it would be like to live a woman’s life.

This trip to Oklahoma City was the closest I could get. I had one day off, Tuesday, to fulfill my dream, so I did. My friend rode with me, and I drove the four hours until we got into town. I stopped once for a bite to eat, not having time to grab anything before we left. The people at the drive-thru didn’t bat an eye at me. Same goes for when I stopped for gas about an hour from OKC.

I thought for sure the people at the hotel would look at me funny, especially when they asked for my ID. No. They gave me my keycard, wished me a pleasant stay, and that was it. I unpacked the car, then headed for a convenience store for a snack. After the late-night snack we fell asleep.

***

17

At the OKC MOA. I forgot to switch out my glassses!

We woke up a little later than I had wanted to on Tuesday, but the day before had been a long day, what with a full day’s work, then a long drive. We got up and readied ourselves for a long day. I stopped at Payless Shoes to start the day. I needed a pair of walking shoes. My heels weren’t going to do it for the long day ahead. Afterwards, a quick stop at Walmart was in order to buy myself a decent purse. The one I was borrowing just wasn’t up to the task.

After a quick lunch at The Olive Garden, my first meal out in public as Stefani, we headed out to the Oklahoma City Museum of Art. We discovered that there was an exhibit entitle Maltisse: In his time, featuring works from Maltisse, Picasso, Renoir, among other contemporaries. I got to see a real life Picasso! It was so close I could touch it! How exciting is that?

We walked the Maltisse exhibit, which was on the second floor, and which was incredibly crowded, and the headed upstairs to discover a gallery featuring Chihuly‘s glassworks, which is all kinds of amazing! On the same floor, there was an exhibit of modern art. Back on the first floor, here was another gallery of art, which was worth seeing, but nowhere near as impressive as Maltisse.

From there we headed back to the hotel. It was hot, and I was feeling tired. We took a short nap before heading back out.

***

6

Crystal Bridge Tropical Conservatory at Myriad Botanical Gardens.

Feeling refreshed, we talked about what to do next. We settled on driving to the Myriad Botanical Gardens. The Crystal Bridge Tropical Conservatory closed at five, and we didn’t arrive until almost six, but the grounds were open, and it was free to look around, so we did.

We looked at the fauna, and the beauty of the grounds. We saw several people walking around, their noses pressed to their phones, playing Pokemon Go, but at least they were out and about.

We spent almost two hours looking around, looking at the planets, enjoying the water features, gawking at some of the buildings surrounding the park in downtown OKC.

All the while, walking around the park, people greeted me with a smile, never remarking that I was clearly a man wearing women’s clothing. They were polite, if the acknowledged me that is, which really boosted my self-esteem. Soon I took off my this sweater and allowed myself to walk around in my sleeveless blouse, which I had been too self-conscious to do before.

We made out way to the bottom level, where there was a pond filled with koi and ducks, before making our way back to the car, and ultimately to Buffalo Wild Wings for dinner. We made a quick stop at The Home Depot before heading back to the hotel, getting ready to settle in for our last night in town.

***

We woke up on Wednesday and got dressed quickly, packed, and took everything to the car. I check out and then headed to gas up, and then we hit the road. I left OKC as I had arrived, dressed up as Stefani. I wanted to end the trip, enjoying the whole experience en femme. It was a bittersweet experience to arrive back in Amarillo, having only enough time to wash the trace of my identity from my face, and my nails, and put on my mask so I could go to work.

It was quick depressing to dress in drab again, and as I tried to get to work, I felt the depression weighing down on me. It may have been the exhaustion of the trip bringing me down as well. For almost 48 hours, I enjoyed my time as Stefani, reveling in the experience, wanting to do it again

Next time I want to go to Albuquerque and Santa Fe. A co-worker is wanting to take a trip to Taos, which may or may not happen, but I hope it does. She’s okay with me going as Stefani, so I pray it does. There’s so much to see and do, and I can’t wait to go out on another Stefani Adventure.

If you care to scroll through my photos of the trip, please visit my Flickr.

Discovered!

IMG_20160603_210251I got a text from my ex-wife yesterday evening telling me that we needed to text later. I hate it when people do that, by the way. “We need to talk,” is rarely met with good news. I text her back asking what was wrong, and she replied that it wasn’t anything bad. “…it’s actually a good thing.”

I finally managed to cajole the news out of her. My step-daughter was playing on my ex’s phone, got on Facebook, and saw my Stefani profile popup under people she might now. She said “…that looks like a dude cuz of his eyebrows…she needs to shape them and thin them out….” My ex-wife proceeded to tell her that Stefani was in fact me, her step-father. She was okay with it.

I haven’t had a chance to actually talk to my step-daughter, but I’m still processing what it means. If she’s in fact okay with it, then does that mean she’ll get to meet Stefani? Will she want to? Will my ex-wife allow it? Will my ex-wife want to meet Stef?

My emotions are all over the place. On the one hand, there’s one less person I have to worry about keeping the secret from, but that also means there’s one more person who can accidentally out me. I wondered out loud to a friend how long I could keep me a secret. Stefani’s grown and is kind of taking over. It’s exciting and frightening!

Maybe this will lead to a better relationship with my step-daughter. I can only hope it won’t lead to a greater estrangement. Only time will tell, I suppose, but that’s one less person I have to hide from. I’m guessing I’ll have to come out sooner or later. When I do, I fear I will lose my family altogether, but again we’ll see.

Pictures

2016-07-08I haven’t taken as many pictures of myself as I used to. Isn’t that odd? Maybe it isn’t. My friend thought I was being a little conceited every time I got dressed up, and I would take several pictures of myself, admiring the transformation from drab to glam. It was intoxicating! I wanted to document this change to prove to myself that I really did look that good.

Okay, that’s coming out a little conceited.

I don’t think I’m alone. On all the blogs I follows, forums I visit, social media sites where others like me post, I see countless examples of other crossdressers posting pictures of themselves, seeking validation that maybe they kind of pass. I know I’m guilty of that. I’m also guilty of enjoying the compliments I receive.

Lately, however, I have not taken as many pictures. I click a couple, but I don’t sit and pose, trying to find the best picture. I don’t dress to validate myself. I dress because it feels right. I dress to be me, and that’s enough.

So there aren’t as many pictures of me to post. I don’t feel the need to document every time I put on a dress. I’m able to enjoy my time now, sit back, and glory in my femininity. It’s nice. I still enjoy being complimented, so I suppose I’m not going to stop taking pictures all together. I mean, years from now, I’m going to want to see what I looked like. I owe it to myself, after all. I’m just a little more discerning.

Pride

20160625_201925Amarillo celebrated Panhandle Pride as part of LGBT Pride month last Saturday, June 26. Sadly I didn’t go. I had to work all day, and by the time I did get off, the festivities were over. It’s convenient for me in that I can say I would have loved to have gone, but would I really have gone if I had the chance?

Don’t misunderstand me, I would have loved to have gone as Stefani, and tried to interact with other transgender people like me. The issue would have been outing myself. You know the dilemma, I’m sure. Had it been in a larger city, I don’t think the issue would have been as great. The larger the city, the larger the crowd, the easier it would have been to get lost in the crowd. In Amarillo, I don’t think I would have blended in as easily. That, and my manager and a co-worker had a booth. It would have been awkward, at least for me.

I did see the pictures that were posted, and I part of me longs for that freedom. I envy people how have that strength to be true to themselves. It’s a strength of character that I seem to be missing, though at times it makes itself known, more and more as of late. I suppose being Stef is a journey, and it isn’t one that’s easy to make.

At the very least, I wish I could have gone to 212 to celebrate at the club, but of course I had to open the next morning. There’s always something in the way. I’ll try to get out and hit the club again soon. It’s the closest thing I have to being out as I can manage. There’s some sense of freedom in the act of going out as me. Maybe it’s a start.

Road trip: June 2016

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At The Shops at Willow Bend in Plano, Texas. June 18, 2016.

Took another road trip down to see my friend, as I mentioned on my last post. I got out of work half past midnight, and I think it took at least another hour to wind down. After only napping about an hour and a half, I got up, got dressed, and drove down to the DFW area.

The drive wasn’t too bad at first. I had been having car trouble for a while. My water pump was giving me trouble, as well as my a/c. I replaced the water pump last Wednesday, having to take a sick day. I though I fixed my a/c, but alas no. There’s a leak that refuses to be found. I drove the entire six hours without air conditioning, which was one of the reasons I wanted to start early.

I drove with my windows open, which did a number on my wig. Also, I’ve been to self-conscious about the whole bathroom debacle that I limited my water intake so that I wouldn’t have to pee. So, I was in my car the whole time, not taking time to get out and stretch. It was hot, and I think by the time I got to Sherman it became a problem. I started having heart palpitations, and I fought a panic attack the remainder of the way.

By the time I got to my friend Amy’s house, all I wanted was to strip my sweat soaked clothes. I felt hot and constricted, though my friend said I looked nice. I had to walk around a bit, and she had to throw her dogs outside so that I could cool off and have my episode run its course, which it did. I undressed, and we went to Plano and had lunch at The Cheesecake Factory. I would have loved to have gone as Stef.

It wasn’t until Saturday that I had a chance to explore a little as Stef. Since her husband was home, and he doesn’t know, I went to another friend’s place to change, and her husband has not issues with transgender people. So I changed, and both Tyler and Amy remarked how jealous they were of me, which I rather enjoyed. Then Amy and I set forth on our adventure

Our original plan was to go to the Dallas Museum of Art, but it was too late. Then we thought about going to the movies. We ended up going to The Shops at Willow Bend, a mall in Plano. We walked a bit, but since I had lost my belt, we decided to leave and head on over to Target so that I could buy one. From there we thought about going to the movies, but Amy had a client coming over to pick up a dog from her dog sitting service, so we decided to head home.

Having no time and no other recourse, I changed in the car, which isn’t an easy feat in metroplex traffic. I wonder what the other drivers thought about that, lol. But I was prepared for such an eventuality, and I had the necessary wipes and towels to take off my make up and nail polish. By the time we got back to the house, Stef was folded neatly in a bag, which made me sad.

I didn’t have a chance to dress again, and I didn’t want to suffer another scorching trip back home on Monday, so that’s all the Stef time I had. I’m hoping to take another trip soon, and stay in a hotel in Dallas. I want to go to the clubs, maybe see the sights, and take more pictures.

I had fun being out in public, though I did catch a few stares from other women. Amy said they were probably jealous of how I looked, and as much as I would love to believe that, I think I stuck out like a sore thumb. I obviously don’t pass, but I’m also crazily self-conscious. I did my best to enjoy myself and not let my own doubts bring me down.

Reintroductions

IMG_20160603_210251I’m about set to take another road trip down to visit a friend of mine next weekend. I can’t wait. I’m working to get my car ready as my air condition decided it no longer needed to work. I think I’ve located the leak, I’ve ordered the part, and I’m hoping it arrives before I leave. The Texas heat has begun to settle in, and I’m not looking forward to making that drive sans air conditioning.

I’m also looking forward to it because I’m planning on making the drive as Stefani. I did it last time, back in March, but I pulled over before I got to her house, changed back into boy mode, so that her husband wouldn’t see me. He doesn’t know, and as macho, right-wing man, anyone that doesn’t subscribe to traditional gender roles is to be ridiculed.

So I’m leaving early Friday morning, around five in the morning, and I asked my friend to be off that day. I want to introduce Stefani to her, even though she already knows. I send the occasional photo, but she hasn’t seen me dressed yet. At least not since 2000. I can’t believe it’ been that long.

She was the first person, back in ’97, that met Stefani. In fact, she’s the one that asked if I had a name. Back then, I dressed in secret, and though I came out to a friend even before then, it was still more of a fetish thing, one that filled me with shame and regret.

I came out to her as a joke. We worked at the same place, a Burger King on campus of the university we were attending. I kind of fell in love with her, which is strange to say now as she is my best friend. Then, I didn’t know her, but I thought she was cute, and we had that awkward banter that two people who are into each other fall into.

I would joke how I probably looked better in a dress than she did, as I recall. She laughed, but then she called my bluff. She told me where she lived and invited me over. To my everlasting surprise, I went over. I’m not sure if I actually put no a dress on that occasion, but I eventually did. I remember her pulling out a short, black dress. That I could have put it on is nothing short of amazing, considering how thin she was back in those days. Come to think of it, I was a lot thinner, too. Ugh, I feel fat!

Back to my story. She’s the one who helped me accept myself for who I was. She exhorted me to stop feeling guilty and to embrace the woman within. She taught me how to dress, showed me who to do make up, and encouraged me to leave the house, which I did. We went our during the day, me in short shorts with hose, and a sleeveless blouse. I totally rocked the look back then. It helped that I actually wore my hair long back then. We even went to Lubbock once and shopped around, if I recall correctly.

A lot can change in over the years. I’m no longer a thin wraith, and I don’t pass as well as I did back then. We dated for a while, broke up, but remained friends. She married, and I did as well, before divorcing five years later. The only constant is our friendship. And though I hid Stefani away for years, she never wavered in her acceptance of a person I tried to deny.

So here I am, ready to reintroduce myself to the woman who helped create my identity all those years ago. I can’t wait to make that drive, to step out of that car, and have her see me again.

To sew or not

cosplayMaybe it’s the man in me, but I want to buy gadgets. My brother buys tools to work on cars. He bought a pressure tester to use on radiators to find leaks. He has a reader he can hook up to a car to read codes whenever the check engine light turns on. He has compressors, welders, a press, and more tools to do woodwork. I have a few woodworking tools, but not as many.

Last Saturday, as I was at the table painting my nails, I made a flippant remark to my friend that I should buy a nail dryer. Now, I don’t need a nail dryer. I don’t paint my nails often enough to buy a nail dryer. I do not have the space for a purchase as frivolous as a nail dryer, but somewhere deep within my male side of my brain, I think buying one is a great idea.

Of course it’s a stupid idea and I won’t burn money on it. I don’t have that kind of money to spend, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have other gadgets in mind. My newest idea involves making my own dresses. It’s highly impractical, and I doubt I would save any money, though I might be able to sew them exactly to my measurements.

I would need to buy myself a sewing machine. If I were to feel extravagant, a surger as well. I kind of want to sew not only dresses, but costumes, Cosplay pieces, Steampunk inspired items. I’m looking to create a certain aesthetic, maybe something to wear to a con somewhere. I don’t know. It’s an idea.

The thing is, do I remember how to sew? I look Home Ec. back during my 7th grade year, the 1988-89 school year. I mostly did shirts, though I did make an ugly pair of pants, ones that I flat out refused to wear myself. A dress will be more complicated. Anything thing like the picture above, with lace and frills, would be exponentially more difficult than anything I’ve ever done before. It’s been almost thirty years since I’ve attempted anything!

But I’m game to learn. I’m willing to experiment. I want to stretch my creativity to new, exciting endeavors. I’d have to settle for buying pre-made patterns at first before attempting anything more daring, and creating one on my own. I wonder how to even begin to try to design my own dress. I should probably learn to draw. At 40, I’m not sure that’s possible. Screw it, only live once!