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Stolen moments

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Showing a little leg? I guess I’m feeling a little frisky, lol! ~Stef~

I had chance to dress up this past Sunday. Felt so good. I almost didn’t, but I had to. I needed some time to dispel the disquiet from my soul. I had a few hours in between my morning shift, leaving at 1:00 p.m., before returning for a store meeting at 8:00 that night, so I took advantage of the free time and got dressed.

I feel as though I haven’t had much time for Stefani lately. Work has been consuming most of my time as of late. Working until midnight leaves me little time to dress up. It leaves me no time to go out. It leaves me anxious to find time to change and be fabulous for a few hours.

All I did was play on my phone and takelt relaxed and recharged after the fact. Taking off the mask and being me, even for a few stolen moments, quelled my anxiety.

I’m looking to go shopping sometime this weekend. One of my workers wants to take me shopping, which I mentioned a few weeks ago. I’m keen on going. I want to see what she thinks will look good on me. I’m also keen to expand my ever-growing wardrobe, which is strange. I’m in dire need of culling a few outfits since they don’t quite fit well. I’m also expanding my casual side, buying cheap t-shirts to wear when I don’t want to glam up too much. It’s nice.

I hope I get a chance to shop this weekend. It’ll be nice if I can. If not, at least I hope to put on something comfortable and go out, even if only for a drive. We’ll see. Tomorrow I’m supposed to meet another girlfriend for lunch, a crossdresser like me. I hope we can find time to actually meet en femme instead of in drab, but I’ll take what I can get. At least I can meet with a kindred spirit from time to time, which is a nice change of pace.

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Boyfriend?

I’m having a I wish a had a boyfriend kind of afternoon. Though I’m attracted to women, I do have monents when a boyfriend would be nice. I guess it’s the girl part of my personality.

Clubbing plans

0539cd1cc6a401270e0b416536677547291df9-v5-wmI’m planning on a girls night out come Saturday night. The only question is will it actually happen? I really hope so. My coworker, then one I spoke of on my previous blog, has been saying we need to go to Club 212 this weekend, and I agree. It feels good to have someone else in on my secret.

So, tomorrow after work, me and by friend are planning on going to do a bit of shopping. A girl needs clothes, after all. I think I’ll go with something on the casual side, maybe a little metal and a little grunge, but keeping with my demure style, as my friend calls my usual mode of dress. I call it secretary-chic, but to each their own.

I’ll try to see if my coworker want to have lunch tomorrow. We have yet to have a chance to talk, and I really want to, before we go out to the club. I want a nice, quite place where we can talk in peace. I know she has questions, and I want to answer them for her. I have precious few people with whom I can talk to freely about this. So far, I only have my two best friends, a friend in DFW, and a crossdresser in town that wants to remain anonymous. I’m trying to keep my identity a secret, but to do so, I would have to disengage from the internet, and I’m not willing to do that. I refuse to hide ever again!

 

Stefani Adventure: OKC

Driving to OKC

Driving down the highway. I-40, to be exact. ~Stef~

I didn’t know if I would have the guts to actually do it. I almost didn’t, chickening out before I got out of work, running later than I had wanted to, but in the end I did. I left work almost an hour late, drove to my friend’s apartment to pack my things, get showered, dressed, and put on my make-up. I drove in as “Steve,” and an hour later Stefani emerged, ready to embark on the my first trip en femme.

That had been my plan from the beginning, to enjoy a full day dressed up, to go out and mingle with the world without, leaving the mask I wear daily, and enjoy the warmth of the sun. I wanted to explore a new city, visit the sites, go shopping, and have lunch. I wanted a day instead of a few stolen hours. I wanted to know what it would be like to live a woman’s life.

This trip to Oklahoma City was the closest I could get. I had one day off, Tuesday, to fulfill my dream, so I did. My friend rode with me, and I drove the four hours until we got into town. I stopped once for a bite to eat, not having time to grab anything before we left. The people at the drive-thru didn’t bat an eye at me. Same goes for when I stopped for gas about an hour from OKC.

I thought for sure the people at the hotel would look at me funny, especially when they asked for my ID. No. They gave me my keycard, wished me a pleasant stay, and that was it. I unpacked the car, then headed for a convenience store for a snack. After the late-night snack we fell asleep.

***

17

At the OKC MOA. I forgot to switch out my glassses!

We woke up a little later than I had wanted to on Tuesday, but the day before had been a long day, what with a full day’s work, then a long drive. We got up and readied ourselves for a long day. I stopped at Payless Shoes to start the day. I needed a pair of walking shoes. My heels weren’t going to do it for the long day ahead. Afterwards, a quick stop at Walmart was in order to buy myself a decent purse. The one I was borrowing just wasn’t up to the task.

After a quick lunch at The Olive Garden, my first meal out in public as Stefani, we headed out to the Oklahoma City Museum of Art. We discovered that there was an exhibit entitle Maltisse: In his time, featuring works from Maltisse, Picasso, Renoir, among other contemporaries. I got to see a real life Picasso! It was so close I could touch it! How exciting is that?

We walked the Maltisse exhibit, which was on the second floor, and which was incredibly crowded, and the headed upstairs to discover a gallery featuring Chihuly‘s glassworks, which is all kinds of amazing! On the same floor, there was an exhibit of modern art. Back on the first floor, here was another gallery of art, which was worth seeing, but nowhere near as impressive as Maltisse.

From there we headed back to the hotel. It was hot, and I was feeling tired. We took a short nap before heading back out.

***

6

Crystal Bridge Tropical Conservatory at Myriad Botanical Gardens.

Feeling refreshed, we talked about what to do next. We settled on driving to the Myriad Botanical Gardens. The Crystal Bridge Tropical Conservatory closed at five, and we didn’t arrive until almost six, but the grounds were open, and it was free to look around, so we did.

We looked at the fauna, and the beauty of the grounds. We saw several people walking around, their noses pressed to their phones, playing Pokemon Go, but at least they were out and about.

We spent almost two hours looking around, looking at the planets, enjoying the water features, gawking at some of the buildings surrounding the park in downtown OKC.

All the while, walking around the park, people greeted me with a smile, never remarking that I was clearly a man wearing women’s clothing. They were polite, if the acknowledged me that is, which really boosted my self-esteem. Soon I took off my this sweater and allowed myself to walk around in my sleeveless blouse, which I had been too self-conscious to do before.

We made out way to the bottom level, where there was a pond filled with koi and ducks, before making our way back to the car, and ultimately to Buffalo Wild Wings for dinner. We made a quick stop at The Home Depot before heading back to the hotel, getting ready to settle in for our last night in town.

***

We woke up on Wednesday and got dressed quickly, packed, and took everything to the car. I check out and then headed to gas up, and then we hit the road. I left OKC as I had arrived, dressed up as Stefani. I wanted to end the trip, enjoying the whole experience en femme. It was a bittersweet experience to arrive back in Amarillo, having only enough time to wash the trace of my identity from my face, and my nails, and put on my mask so I could go to work.

It was quick depressing to dress in drab again, and as I tried to get to work, I felt the depression weighing down on me. It may have been the exhaustion of the trip bringing me down as well. For almost 48 hours, I enjoyed my time as Stefani, reveling in the experience, wanting to do it again

Next time I want to go to Albuquerque and Santa Fe. A co-worker is wanting to take a trip to Taos, which may or may not happen, but I hope it does. She’s okay with me going as Stefani, so I pray it does. There’s so much to see and do, and I can’t wait to go out on another Stefani Adventure.

If you care to scroll through my photos of the trip, please visit my Flickr.

Discovered!

IMG_20160603_210251I got a text from my ex-wife yesterday evening telling me that we needed to text later. I hate it when people do that, by the way. “We need to talk,” is rarely met with good news. I text her back asking what was wrong, and she replied that it wasn’t anything bad. “…it’s actually a good thing.”

I finally managed to cajole the news out of her. My step-daughter was playing on my ex’s phone, got on Facebook, and saw my Stefani profile popup under people she might now. She said “…that looks like a dude cuz of his eyebrows…she needs to shape them and thin them out….” My ex-wife proceeded to tell her that Stefani was in fact me, her step-father. She was okay with it.

I haven’t had a chance to actually talk to my step-daughter, but I’m still processing what it means. If she’s in fact okay with it, then does that mean she’ll get to meet Stefani? Will she want to? Will my ex-wife allow it? Will my ex-wife want to meet Stef?

My emotions are all over the place. On the one hand, there’s one less person I have to worry about keeping the secret from, but that also means there’s one more person who can accidentally out me. I wondered out loud to a friend how long I could keep me a secret. Stefani’s grown and is kind of taking over. It’s exciting and frightening!

Maybe this will lead to a better relationship with my step-daughter. I can only hope it won’t lead to a greater estrangement. Only time will tell, I suppose, but that’s one less person I have to hide from. I’m guessing I’ll have to come out sooner or later. When I do, I fear I will lose my family altogether, but again we’ll see.

Pictures

2016-07-08I haven’t taken as many pictures of myself as I used to. Isn’t that odd? Maybe it isn’t. My friend thought I was being a little conceited every time I got dressed up, and I would take several pictures of myself, admiring the transformation from drab to glam. It was intoxicating! I wanted to document this change to prove to myself that I really did look that good.

Okay, that’s coming out a little conceited.

I don’t think I’m alone. On all the blogs I follows, forums I visit, social media sites where others like me post, I see countless examples of other crossdressers posting pictures of themselves, seeking validation that maybe they kind of pass. I know I’m guilty of that. I’m also guilty of enjoying the compliments I receive.

Lately, however, I have not taken as many pictures. I click a couple, but I don’t sit and pose, trying to find the best picture. I don’t dress to validate myself. I dress because it feels right. I dress to be me, and that’s enough.

So there aren’t as many pictures of me to post. I don’t feel the need to document every time I put on a dress. I’m able to enjoy my time now, sit back, and glory in my femininity. It’s nice. I still enjoy being complimented, so I suppose I’m not going to stop taking pictures all together. I mean, years from now, I’m going to want to see what I looked like. I owe it to myself, after all. I’m just a little more discerning.

Pride

20160625_201925Amarillo celebrated Panhandle Pride as part of LGBT Pride month last Saturday, June 26. Sadly I didn’t go. I had to work all day, and by the time I did get off, the festivities were over. It’s convenient for me in that I can say I would have loved to have gone, but would I really have gone if I had the chance?

Don’t misunderstand me, I would have loved to have gone as Stefani, and tried to interact with other transgender people like me. The issue would have been outing myself. You know the dilemma, I’m sure. Had it been in a larger city, I don’t think the issue would have been as great. The larger the city, the larger the crowd, the easier it would have been to get lost in the crowd. In Amarillo, I don’t think I would have blended in as easily. That, and my manager and a co-worker had a booth. It would have been awkward, at least for me.

I did see the pictures that were posted, and I part of me longs for that freedom. I envy people how have that strength to be true to themselves. It’s a strength of character that I seem to be missing, though at times it makes itself known, more and more as of late. I suppose being Stef is a journey, and it isn’t one that’s easy to make.

At the very least, I wish I could have gone to 212 to celebrate at the club, but of course I had to open the next morning. There’s always something in the way. I’ll try to get out and hit the club again soon. It’s the closest thing I have to being out as I can manage. There’s some sense of freedom in the act of going out as me. Maybe it’s a start.