I won’t lie to you and say that coming out has been easy. It’s been a hard endeavor, terrifying and seemingly impossible. Every moment left me feeling lonely and afraid. Every person I tell is a potential rejection, and rejection is something I’m not very good at dealing with.
So far it’s been better than expected. Every friend I have told has supported me. Every family member I have come out to has not abandoned me. No one understands it. Who can understand the journey of discovery those of us in the transgender community have to undertake? I’m in the middle of my journey and I don’t understand it!
The truth here is that I’ve been extremely fortunately so far. I can’t help wonder when I’ll come face to face to someone unwilling to accept me for who I am. It’s bound to happen. I don’t stress it too much, because I can’t stress over every little possibility, but it does flit into my mind when I steel myself to tell someone else.
Where I am now is coming to terms with this new reality. I’ve told two of my siblings and now my parents. Though I still have a three siblings yet to tell, the two people I feared telling the most now know. My parents still love me. They still accept me. They don’t like it, but they accept me.
Now I’m free to decide whether or not I want to transition. That’s huge! It’s been on my mind, but I can think about that without fear of losing my family. So many aren’t that fortunate. Many lose that support. I don’t deserve to be this lucky. No one deserves to be so unlucky as to lose their family.
I don’t know what to do. All I know is that I’m freer to explore my options. I can now decide if I want to become Stefani full time. I feel as though I’d like that sometimes. Other days I feel otherwise. Is that normal?
I’m not going to rush into things. At 41, I think I’ve proven that I dont rush into things. What I’ve come to realize lately is that I don’t want the added pressure of being in a romantic relationship. My desire for one caused me to lose a close friend. A recent sexual encounter left me wondering if I even want to pursue a woman.
Months ago, I was complaining my lack of success in finding a woman to date. A friend asked me if I was even trying to find a girlfriend. Her question offended me, but the truth of the matter is that I’m wasn’t. I’m not. I’m willing to find myself in a relationship, but I never really tried to pursue a relationship. I never really tried to pursue a sexual relationship. They usually just happen.
Coming to terms with my gender is forcing me to engage my sexuality as well. My attraction it towards females, but the idea of dating a man isn’t as terrifying as it was, even a recently as two weeks ago, the day I came out to my parents. I want a woman, but I also want a man. It’s confusing enough dealing with my own gender identity without throwing that into the mix. Straight? Gay? Lesbian? Bi? Fuck if I know!
So for now, I’ll deal with my new reality. One day I’ll introduce my family to me as Stefani. One day I’ll decide whether or not I want to get on hormones and transition. I want breasts, and more feminine features. I want hips, softer and smoother skin. And yes, there’s part of me that wants a vagina rather than a penis. I want to be a woman. I’ve always felt my life would have been more my own had I been born female.
I wish it was so easy, to become who I want to be is to simply wish to be. To be a woman, I only have to wish to become one. Instead my journey into womanhood would be invasive and costly. Would it be worth it? I think it would I just need to decide to do it. Then I’ll have to figure out how to finance it.
The joys of being trans!