Becoming the norm

img_20161129_182453I went to the movies. I suppose in the grand scheme of things, not really a revolutionary move, however I went so en femme. Now, I’ve been out as Stefani several times, but rarely here in town, except to a gay bar, or maybe a late night drive. I mean, okay, I went to Walmart a few times, always way after midnight, so not biggie.

But on Tuesday night, I went for it. I got dressed up, bought a couple of movie tickets for the IMAX showing of Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, and went out in public, where normal people congregate, at a reasonably early time. 7:30in the evening, to be precise. And can I tell you what I felt? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. No rush of adrenaline, no feelings of getting away with anything. It was just a normal outing. Completely routine. It was a total anti-climax.

Well, shit!

I know it’s a victory of a sorts, that I’m getting to the point where it’s no longer an issue for me. It’s part of the norming process. The more I get used to it, the less I stick out, the less I draw attention to myself, the more comfortable I get. Rinse and repeat. It’s the fact that I did so here in town, where I work, where I know people that has me freaked out. Except it doesn’t. Does that make sense?

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Quick selfie in the theater. Not a lot of light. Bummer! ~Stef~

The people that know about it at work are wondering when I’m just going to just come out. They say I should just do it, show up to the Christmas party as Stefani. Get it over with. Everyone likes me, and they’d have my back in case someone starts anything. I get it, and part of me is getting to that point, too.

 

I’m not going to rush it. Hell, I never thought I’d be here now, talking about going out in public, but I am. I never thought anyone I knew would be let in on the secret, but they have been. It’s freeing, every little step, every little adventure, is opening that door a little more. It’s an amazing thing.

I was planning on dressing up last night, but I didn’t. I went shopping for a jacket, spent too much at my favorite spot, went to another store, spent too much again. I cleaned out my closet, getting rid of outfits that don’t fit, or I don’t like, so I can make room for ones I do. My wardrobe is getting big! I love it!

I just wish I had more opportunity to dress up. Truth be told, I wouldn’t mind going out for a girls night out at some point. Maybe go out for a date, dinner and a movie, or maybe watch a play or something. Anything, really. The feeling is intoxicating, but I need just a little more each time just to feel that buzz. I miss that exhilaration, that heady feeling of having survived an outing. I no longer worry about leaving my friend’s apartment, or walking to my car.

I get a little nervous when I go out in public, but it’s less every time.  There are some who take offense to my existence, but the hell with them. I’ve had to come to terms with who I am, and it took me a lot longer than it should have. I won’t let others repress me. I’ve repressed myself enough. I’m coming out, on my terms, and on my own time frame.

By the way, the movie was fantastic!

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One thought on “Becoming the norm

  1. Well Girl, You will come out at your on pace. Dont let anyone rush or stop you. My wife thinks I am moving to fast, others wonder why i am taking so long. The reality, I am moving at a comfortable pace and pushing my own boundaries. The idea that i go out now with no feeling of “getting away with anything” is to me the most wonderful feeling. The fact that 98% of the time i am called Ma’am is great. LEarning to not hide and be ouselves is the most difficult part of the entire transition for everyone i think. Once we do that its like “hey, I aint being two people, gawd i am so freeking happy. ” But I can say this, you do what you are comfy with, and yes there will be times that you are going to feel a bit uncomfy or “dysphoric” is going to be normal. IT will not harm you unless you alow it. I am here if you need to chat.

    Liked by 1 person

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