Losing my secret piecemeal

20161014_144317I went and sat down in the HR manager’s office at the end of my shift just to talk before heading out for the day. We were talking and I brought up that I wanted to find a therapist because I felt that I had some issues to work through. She said I didn’t but I disagreed. That’s when she brought up my Facebook page, and asked if this was the issue I was needing to talk about.

The fact that someone else knew about this part of my identity would have sent me into a panic a few months ago, but the idea that I’m not a secret no longer terrifies me. The more people know, the freer I feel. It’s like I expected the world to end because people were finding out about my gender identity. What I’m discovering is that, at least within my small circle of friends and acquaintances, it’s really a non-issue. They accept it.

I still feel a need for therapy, partly because of my gender identity, but also for my feelings of repressed rage and self-loathing. I’ve become somewhat adept at keeping my anger at bay, but when I’m exhausted, as I was last week, all my angers, resentments, fears, and feelings of rejection, came bubbling up to the surface, damaging a friendship in the process. Maybe irrevocably.

A think a large part of my problem stems from keeping myself a secret for so long. It took a lot of energy to conceal my true identity that I didn’t have much to spare on socializing. I never learned how to date, not really, and making friends has always been a problem. I’ve always felt like an outsider, alone, rejected, unworthy of love and affection, that I latch on to any scrape of hope whenever there’s even the remotest glimpse of it, and I fall apart when it turns out to be an illusion. Worst still, I don’t recognize genuine affection when it slaps me in the face

It’s a lot to process, and accepting that I really need help has been hard for me. The macho, I-don’t-need-no-help part of my personality is still trying to keep a firm grasp on this secret that has become an open secret, and soon a widely known truth. I’m not strong enough to muscle my way through this, nor wise enough to deal with the process of coming out. I need guidance, first on a purely therapeutic level, then on a spiritual level.

I’m thinking about telling a priest friend of mine. We started college together, over twenty years ago. We both started out as music majors, and both served as musicians at the Catholic Student Center, I on the guitar, and he as a singer. I changed majors and eventually dropped out. He accepted the calling to serve the Lord, which I didn’t find at all surprising. He is a good man, and a good priest.

At some point, I recognize that my family will have to be told, but that’s still some time away. I still don’t know if I want to transition completely, or if I’ll be content to be a part-time woman, which is an odd thing to say. I hope you understand what I’m saying. I present myself as male because that’s what’s expected of me. It’s as natural as breathing. But I long for more. I wish to no longer put up pretenses. Maybe then, I’ll find someone to love, someone to love me, too.

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3 thoughts on “Losing my secret piecemeal

  1. As you become one with yourself, confident, people won’t give you much trouble. Yes a few will try to break you but, your light will shine and put them in their place. People as well as animals prey on fear. If you have fear they sense it and attack. As you come out more and more the easier it gets and the better you feel.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Hang in there Stef . You are experiencing what a lot of us have gone through . Trust me it will get better .
    I went for years afraid to tell anyone . Scared to death someone would find out . Thinking all the while you may be crazy ! Yet dressing and doing fem things
    one of the few things that makes you happy .
    It can be very lonely until you figure it all out .

    Jean Ann

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Therapy has helped me immensely, in so many ways. Before I began therapy, I was wanting to die on a regular basis, but too afraid to act on it (thank God). Going to therapy helped me build my self-esteem up, to realize that there was no reason to disregard myself, and just plain helped me getting advice and connecting with the right medical support. Highly recommended.

    One thing that I have noticed lately, and I believe it’s a result of being out to everyone .. I no longer dread going to work, and I am spending minimal, if any, time thinking about being trans. In the six months between coming out to my family and coming out at work, I spent Sundays absolutely dreading Monday because I would have to go “back”.

    I’m finding that now, I seem to have more energy, I take more interest in life and work, and things just feel … better.

    If I had not decided to go into therapy, I sincerely doubt I would still be amongst the living.

    Liked by 1 person

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