Happy 40th to me! God, I feel old. I look it, too, when I look in the mirror. I can see the gray beginning to show, and the pain – Oh the pain! – in my knees, my back, and everywhere else. I still feel young. I feel like I did when I was a youngster in my twenties. It’s my body that has betrayed me!
The great thing about age is experience. I still feel that I’m lacking a bit there, but looking back on my life, I’ve made many major life transitions. I’ve quit and been fired from jobs, and I started new jobs. I’ve been married and divorced. I’ve been broken and been mended whole by the passage of time.
Through it all, I’ve come to my current standing crop, overlooking a live that I have lived, and I can see the footsteps that led me here. In a few places, I can see where I crawled on my hands and knees. I think I was dragged behind someone during 2011 and 2012, and into 2013. Some hardships leave you broken, and I’ve never been as broken as I was during those few years. I’m still amazed I’m alive.
The biggest change in my life, and the one that has brought me the most joy, is when I finally stopped running away from my self and my truth, and accepted the fact that I’m transgender. It’s a scary thing to accept, a dangerous truth to admit, but I did. I’ve let a few friends in on the secret, but at least it’s out there, and in here, now that I think about it.
Letting Stefani out of the proverbial closet has been a gift. It’s not easy, and it’s not something a readily put in public. I live my daily life in drab, but I life for those few stolen moments when I can fly and be free. I’ll probably never let my family know, and I may never find a steady relationship again, since I refuse to deny myself ever again, but I know my truth. I was born broken, and though I’ve done my best to live with the pain of my knowing this torture, I’m a broken human.
I know there are some who would advise me to transition, and I’ve considered it, but I won’t. The cost is too great. I would risk losing my family, and my family has been the only constant I have, the only reason I feel that I’m alive still today. I understand others feel differently than I do, and have sacrificed their family for the freedom to be themselves. I envy them, but I have to do what’s best for me. Life is full of uncomfortable compromises.
Now that I’ve started my 4th decade, I’ll nurture my feminine side, allowing my true soul to emerge. Maybe I’ll make myself a liar and out myself someday. Who knows? I never thought I would let Stefani out of the confines of my being, but She has emerged, and I’m richer for it. She’s more confident and open than my male ego, and I enjoy being Her more than I enjoy being Him.