Crush

12622148_1716654558569924_6324210350546153074_oA girl has a crush on me. I say a girl, but it’s a woman. I’ve only met her once, but I thought she was pretty enough, but that was months ago. She sent me a friend request on Facebook, which I accepted. She was after all, I thought, a friend of a friend I knew from high school.

We didn’t communicate much other than the occasional comment. Usually it was her commenting of something, but I won’t split hairs here. A few weeks ago, after posting a picture of me sitting in the waiting room of Safelite, my rear window needing to be replaced, she made a comment, which I promptly replied to. We went back and forth for a while before my high school friend sent me a message, “I think my niece has a crush on you.”

I’m flattered to be sure, and I can’t help but feel excited. I mean a beautiful woman likes me? Hell yeah! But she likes the male side of me. She doesn’t know about Stefani, and letting her in feels me with a sense of dread. Letting anyone in again is something I had hoped to avoid.

And to be sure, I know I’m jumping the gun, but it’s something I’m concerned with. I spent years concealing this aspect of myself, denying that Stef even existed. My then wife let me know several times by her snide asides that she valued me less as a man and as a husband just because I told her about this part of me.

I vowed never to let any woman hold me hostage. I won’t hide myself for anyone just because they are insecure with me. I understand that most women want a man to be the man, all talk about equality notwithstanding. We can talk all day about gender roles, but at the end of the day a woman wants her man to be the man, and being a crossdresser, or transgender, makes women look at her s.o. as less than a man.

At least that has been my experience. I’ve heard from some very liberal women that they don’t understand transgender. One who admitted to being a bisexual woman, said it to my face, not knowing that I am transgender myself. Damn, but can I act the man or what?!

So now just the prospect of a innocent crush is enough to give me pause. I’ve heard from many that have found love and understanding from their girlfriends or their spouse, and of them I’m a bit envious. I envy that they have someone to love and someone who understands them. I also envy the courage to open themselves up to that rejection.

Right now, I’m hoping to at least go on a date with this woman. Maybe something will come out of it, but more than likely it won’t. I can’t let fear hold me back in life or in my love life. I won’t know until something happens. Lord, I’m scared!

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2 thoughts on “Crush

  1. Hi Stefani. Good that you should not hold yourself back for fear of rejection. That you won’t let a person use your feelings to take you hostage. There are enlightened women out there. I’ve kissed one good night every night for most of the past 40 years (missed some nights, life is just that way). I hope you find that too. And you never know. People are pretty savvy in the information age. You cannot be sure your NOT the “crush” being crushed on. You just never know. I would have never realized just how happy having a live in girlfriend makes my “live in” girlfriend ! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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