It’s the setting of one year and the dawn of the next, and as I sit here on my bed and contemplate the year behind me, I can’t help but be in awe of everything that has happened to me in 2015. In all honestly, the changes that brought about my spectacular year began at the end of 2014, specifically the moment I gave myself permission to embrace my true self, and allowed Stefani to come out of this self-imposed exile into oblivion.
The changes that became manifest were not at first apparent, and I didn’t really notice a difference until yesterday while I reflected on where I began the year, and where I end it. There were internal changes, but those small changes sprouted and only once the year began to wane did it bear fruit, in this case an improvement in my employment status.
But what allowed me to move up at work was a wholesale change in temperament. My work ethic didn’t change, but I wasn’t as angry. I was a little more cheerful, and friendly enough that I change my management’s perception of me. I, who had been on the verge of being fired, became one of the store’s valued employees. I became a leader, and I’m working towards becoming a stronger one.
But that’s just a bonus. Work doesn’t motivate me. Money isn’t what drives me. Wealth is a temporary state, one that is lost the moment we draw out last breath. I don’t want to waste my life on something so empty. I want my life to have some meaning, and in my prior state, I was miserable and angry and my gloom infected all those around me.
I transform, you have to realize, the moment I cease to be my male self and emerge as Stefani. It took a few months to reap the benefits of my own acceptance, but as I watch the year wane into history, I know that the past year has been healing for me. Who knows what 2016 has in store for me, but I hope and pray that I will allow myself to grow as a person, and maybe become even more comfortable as a transgender.
It’s only a small thing, really, but denying my true identity sapped my energy and vitality. I lost so much time and in doing so, held myself back. I lost jobs, I lost a wife, I lost me. No more. To all you girls who have accepted yourselves as crossdressers, or transgender, I’m happy for you. To those who maybe are hesitant to define yourselves as such, the moment you let go and allow the truth to come forth, peace will wash over you and things will get better. Maybe not immediately, but soon enough.
I wish you all a very Happy 2016, and I hope you keep on reading. God Bless!