One thing I’ve noticed recently – and it’s something I already knew to a degree, but never gave it much thought – is how many crossdressers are exhibitionists. I mean to say, many girls that I have started to follow dress to showcase their wares. They dress in the skimpiest outfits they can find, flash their goodies for all to see, and well, I don’t know what to say about it.
Maybe it’s the Catholic in me, or the fact that I’m naturally a modest person, an introvert in fact, but for me dressing is not about showcasing myself sexually in any way. I’m not trying to advertise myself for sex. I’m not trying to attract attention, especially from men, thought I would be lying if I were to say I wasn’t at least a bit flattered by the compliments. I’m vain that way. No, I dress because I feel a certain way, that I am in fact a woman who had the misfortune to be born male. It’s a very unsettling feeling to be sure, but I’ve made my peace with that. Sort of.
I have flirted with the idea of fetishistic sex, having signed up on FetLife, but I came to the realization that I am not a fetish, and I don’t want to be someone’s fantasy. I refuse to be used in such a manner, and I have had to block some people who have become a little to pushy for my liking. Sorry men, but I’m not really into you.
But let me be honest, I have thought about it. What would it be like? Isn’t that my fantasy? Yes, I do fantasize about pleasing a man. I romanticize it all the while wondering if I could actually go through with it. There’s a fear component to it because I would have to acknowledge that my sexuality is not as concrete as I thought. Accepting that I’m a crossdresser has been difficult enough.
So I look at all these CD’s, flashing and being overtly sexual, and it makes me uncomfortable. I try not to judge – as I hope not to be judged myself – because their journey is not my journey. In the end, one way or another, we all seek out people with whom to have a connection. Maybe that connection is a fleeting moment of unadulterated passion, or perhaps it’s a more meaningful relationship. I’m drawn to the latter. I have a fundamental need for deeper connections in my life.
In the end, I have to conclude that we all have our individual rights to self-exploration and self-expression. We all have the rights to find happiness in whatever manner we deem best for our lives. I have made the decision to forgo romantic attachments because I don’t want to saddle anyone with the baggage that comes with dating a crossdresser. Though were I to meet the right person, I hope I would have the courage to let it happen, were he or she Mr./Ms. Right or just Right-Now.