Accepting myself

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Being silly – being me! Stefani Lara 2015

I’m surprised at myself for having the courage(?) to actually post pictures of myself, namely my face, for all to see. I’ve hidden myself behind closed doors for years, even going so far as to deny myself the simple act of personal acceptance. I tried to pretend I wasn’t a crossdresser, even though I knew in my heart that was who I truly was. I’m accepting it now, in this very public forum. I’m a boy who loves to wear girls clothes! Sometime I feel as though I’m truly a girl at heart.

There’s still some confusion for me. The Christian Right would love to hear me say that. “He’s just confused!” I know what I am. I know who I am. Sometimes I lack the ability to define exactly that because I’ve repressed my true self for too long. I’ve lied about it for so long that the lie became a mask, one that I had forgotten I wore. The mask has slipped enough that I can question the person peering back at me in the mirror.

“Who are you?”

“What are you?”

“Are you real?

“Am I?”

I have eschewed definitions for so long, labels being a construct of a society bent on establishing societal norms. But I have come to realized that norms are not inherently evil. There are niceties to preserve, common decency to uphold. What’s missing is respect. We have become too partisan, attacking those who don’t agree with us. We’ve lost the ability to respect one another, even when we don’t agree. Especially when we don’t agree.

The time has come to define myself, though who I choose to define myself will remain fluid for some time. I’m a crossdresser. That’s simple enough. I’m straight. I’m attracted to women, though I do have flirtations with curiosity about my sexuality. I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to go out with a man. I’m not ready to say yes to that. I may never be.

I’m divorced, my ex-wife unable to accept this part of me. I will never accept as a condition of a relationship, a denial of this part of me, one that I’ve come to realize is essential to my happiness, and indeed, my survival. I would rather remain alone that accept a conditional love. No thank you. Not again.

This is me accepting myself and showing my face to the world. Yes, I remain in my ways closeted to those in my life, especially my family. I’m terrified of having them find out my secret. I terrified that I would be disowned, ostracized for the sin of honest about who I am. I envy you who have had the courage to present themselves fully to their parents, family, and friends. One day I may join you, but I’m not ready. For now, this simple corner of the web will suffice. Soon, I’ll start to go out in public. I feel the urge to walk freely. I did so once, ages ago, and I will again.

For now, I’m content to experiment with my look. I can’t wait to buy another outfit and take another round of pictures to post. I’m grateful to have a friend who knows how to shop, and who has helped me find my size. I’m pleased with my progress, I look forward for the future.

This is me, and I’m starting to love me again.

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