It’s a silly dream, and one I’ve spoken before, but this picture brought it to the fore of my thoughts. It’s where I find myself, still in grade school, standing in front of the student body, in a line of other students in the gym, waiting to go out on a catwalk, like some sort of fashion show.
I’m standing there, and I notice I’m wearing a dress. I lift my skirt up to discover that I have no penis. I am, for the first time, a woman, and a sense of rightness descends on me, and for the first time in my life, I feel confident.
I want to feel that again, this time in my waking life. I want to be this woman, and to some it may seem pornographic, but to me it’s a dream unfulfilled. I don’t know if it will happen for me or not, but this is what I want. This is who I want to be.
I feel that I’m trapped, living a lie, that my reality is putting on a mask to face the world as I think they want to see me. It makes me miserable, and my sense of self is suffering. Maybe one day I’ll have the courage to do what needs to be done in order to survive. Until then, I’ll keep dreaming.